My thoughts for the day.

Caden's 5th birthday

2011-09-10T20:11:00.000-05:00

This free scrapbooking design personalized with Smilebox

Love you girls

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

I am so blessed to have four amazing men in my life to honor on this day. My husband, who has always put his children first, and taught them right from wrong and how to love. Next my father - in -law, who showed me what a Dad is. Next my son, who I have watched grow from a boy to a man and become a wonderful Daddy to his children, and my son-in-law who is the best Daddy to four of my grandchildren. They are all such wonderful men and Dad's. And I know that is not something that happens for everyone. I am so blessed that my children and my grandchildren have a reason to celebrate today.

I love you girls.

2011-06-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

We had a wonderful day yesterday on the beach. Last night we wrote messages on balloons that I put light sticks in so they would "glow" and we released them. It was a super way to celebrate Megan's birthday. Then we all sat together and looked at photos of Megan and Kendall and talked about memories.
I am so blessed to have these times with my family.

I love you girls

Happy Birthday Megan

2011-06-09T10:18:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Megan
Love you

2011-05-08T08:39:00.001-05:00

Yes, I am still around. Since last fall I have had some rough times. I know that I will miss the girls forever, I know that it will never be okay, but I felt like I had fallen back down a dark hole. I did not share with anyone, only my wonderful hubby, I simply did nothing except go to work and come home. No letters, no dinners out, no Christmas cards! Pretending when anyone was around. Well, maybe we have found part of the problem.....hormones! Yikes, after my "surgery" last July the doc wanted to see how I would do on my own, well I didn't even thing about it affecting me. I am happy to say that about a month ago I called the doc and told them something was wrong. I worried that they would find nothing wrong and say I was depressed and put me on some meds. The good news was that the blood work came back "bad". (I say bad because it came back that my numbers were all whacked out) this was good news. I am happy to say that after a little more than three weeks of nice little hormone pills I am not crying everyday, I actually feel better.

I know that there will always be those times that missing the girls makes me cry, I know that there will always be those moments that make the memories flood back so quickly that it takes your breath away and catches you off guard. And I am thankful for those memories.

Here is an Easter Photo:

I love you girls

Happy Anniversary and the Sunday Paper

2010-09-12T11:11:00.000-05:00

As I was reading the paper I found this:
BRYANTS CELEBRATE 30TH ANNIVERSARY

Wade and Teresa Bryant were united in marriage on September 13, 1980 in Midland, Texas.

They have been blessed with 3 children and 7 grandchildren; Trisha and Brent Lightfoot, their four children, Jonathan, Trek, Caden, and Megan Lea. Christopher and Shannon Bryant, their two children, Tyler and Madison, all of Midland, Texas. Megan and her daughter, Kendall Bryant, whom are lovingly watching over them in Heaven.

Thank you Mom and Dad for all you have done for us. We love you!

Here is the link: to the paper also:
http://www.mywesttexas.com/life/celebrations/anniversaries/article_f3e0bc29-40fe-5652-bbdd-78832dd7cb0b.html

How wonderful are my children! Thank you all. We love you.

I miss you girls

All color cake

2010-09-05T14:39:00.000-05:00

I make cakes for the grandkids birthdays. I have made batman, spiderman, superman, winnie the pooh, clowns, bowling ball and pin, and even a bakugan cake. So when Caden was deciding his cake, he told me "I just want an all color cake". So here is what I did:
With a white cake mix and food colors I made all colors and swirled them. It turned out kinda neat. And best of all when Caden saw it he said " Yep, that is just what I wanted." Awww...makes a Nana smile.

Love you girls

Kentucky and a Hysterectomy

2010-07-31T08:54:00.000-05:00

What a title! LOL

I attended a conference in Louisville Kentucky this month. They had some good sessions for work, so it was worth my time, and of course I got to sight see. Went to the Louisville Slugger Museum, if you ever have the chance it is a great tour. http://www.sluggermuseum.org/visitorguide.aspx

Rode on the Belle of Louisville, what an awesome original steamship. The oldest still working. http://www.belleoflouisville.org/   We went down to the steam engines and watched them work.

Downtown Lousiville has a free trolley system, it was awesome to ride and see the city. Louisville has Fourth Street Live. It is like one great big party outdoors, concerts, etc. Jason Jones/ and The Dirt Drifters were playing the night we were there, (new band). http://www.4thstlive.com/      http://www.jasonjonesmusic.com/          http://www.thedirtdrifters.com/

Over all it was a great time.

And now after many issues I am recovering from a Hysterectomy. It is not near as bad as I thought it would be. The great thing is that they were able to do it as a Laparoscopic surgery. He was able to leave one ovary so that is a good thing, but everything else is gone. I had surgery Thursday morning, came home yesterday and this morning I feel pretty good. Gonna be sore for a while, you know how it is when they cut on your tummy, and no lifting, mopping, vacumn, etc for 4 to 6 weeks, so not too bad.    I will be happy to "pay" this small price to no longer go through what I did every month.

School is starting up, I have to be back this coming week. Hope everyone had a great summer.

I Love you Girls.

beach photos

2010-07-11T14:20:00.000-05:00

We had a great time at the beach in June. The weather was perfect and we spent each day as beach bums.
Hunting crabs at dusk and building sand castles! See the Thomas the Train castle! Too cute huh? You can see the townhouse we have stayed at for the last two years behind our awning.

I miss you girls.

Some Favorite Photos

2010-07-09T13:13:00.001-05:00

I have been sorting and cleaning the last few weeks. As I do I come across things that make me smile or laugh or yes even cry. I have found some photos recently that I love, quite a few actually, they are from before my digital camera so I think I will scan a few at a time and share.

I am on the last room now, my office/scrapbook space--holy cow what a mess , but I will plow through, even though sometimes it just seems like I am moving stuff from one side of the room to the other. LOL

Megan and Kendall's rooms are the exception, they are still the same. Sometimes it makes us pause in the hallway and shed some tears, sometimes it brings peace to walk in and sit on Megan's bed for a bit, or rock in the nursery rocker. Maybe one day......

Here are some fab photos! I love them. They are all from August and September of 2004.

I love you girls.

The Beach

2010-06-13T09:40:00.000-05:00

Here we are at the beach. We come every year to celebrate Megan and Kendall's lives. We arrived on Friday afternoon. The water and sand have been wonderful.

I love you girls

Happy Birthday Megan

2010-06-09T07:21:00.000-05:00

I love you girls

Tyler's first game

2010-04-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

We are keeping busy with all the spring activities. Tyler's first game was today! Enjoy!

I Love you girls

This is a Journey

2010-03-28T14:58:00.000-05:00

I have decided this is a journey, not one I would choose, not one that I like, but a journey just the same. I lose my way, have to make descisions about which way to go and struggle to get on track. As strange as it may sound one of the most difficult for me has been my focus and my memory. I never needed a calendar to remember dates or meetings, I could multi-task and talk at the same time.....that was Before.

Before my world fell apart.....
Before I learned that nightmares do come true....
Before we lost Megan and Kendall......

As I read everything I can get my hands on about grief and how to survive this journey I have learned that I am not alone, and that this will not change. But I can begin to adapt. I use a calendar, which I write everything on, I take notes, and I can only do one thing at a time. But I am not insane....this I know because of the willingness of others to write about their journey. They are survivors of 8 years, 10 years, 15 years and they still need help. So at least I know here at 2 years that I am "normal", that there is a way to make it, but it will always be a journey.

I miss you girls.

Happy St Patricks Day

2010-03-17T12:03:00.002-05:00

Kendall on St Patricks Day 2007

I love you Girls

Ruidoso

2010-03-06T11:51:00.004-06:00

In January we took a trip with Trisha and her family to Ruidoso. We stayed in a beautiful "cabin" (house) up in the mountains. We had a wonderful time. We celebrated Trisha's birthday and enjoyed the peace and quiet. We kept Miss Megan while the boys and their parents went snow tubing, and we watched the kids for Trisha and Brent to go to the casino. Wade was the resident chef so we ate very well! Feeding the deer that walked up to the porch each day was a blast. It did not snow while we were there, but there was enough on the ground to have fun. And it was a good thing we took the jeep, going up those roads was "exciting"?

I love you girls.

Kendall Maddie's Birthday

2010-02-15T10:47:00.003-06:00

Kendall's third birthday was this weekend. We released balloons with messages on them. Wade and I talked about how we see her, what she looks like.

I ♥ you girls

blessings

2009-12-24T10:41:00.002-06:00

It took us many tries to get this photo, and it is still not perfect. But we had a blast trying. Imagine if you can 6 adults making faces, noise and shaking toys trying to get six kids, who either think photos are dumb or are more interested in getting candy, to look at the camera much less smile all at the same time. It is too funny.

Love you girls

Super Bowl Champs

2009-11-08T17:24:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Jonathan's team went all the way and as of today they are the champions in their division! Congrats!

love you girls

Family Photos

2009-09-19T20:00:00.002-05:00

For Mother's Day (yes I know it was in May) the kids gave me a coupon for a family photo shoot. Well finally we managed to get it done today! Here is a wonderful photo!

Ilove you girls

Silence

2009-07-29T13:12:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling with how to put into words where I am now. I still hurt daily and I have the knowledge that no matter how much someone cares, they just cannot understand where I am and how I feel. And I pray that they never have to.
I received an email today called The Sounds Of Silence. It was written by some parents who lost their 22 year old son six years ago. If it has been six years for them, I guess I know that this is forever. I changed the names in his letter, but here it is.
The sounds of silence are everywhere—it is the silent pain of the loss of our daughter and granddaughter, it is the silence of our home because one of our children is gone, and it is the silence of the sudden quiet that comes over people when we mention Megan and Kendall.
We have become both better and worse in the two years since Megan and Kendall died. We are better because we are able to get on with our lives and even enjoy ourselves occasionally. We have gotten worse because, as the years go by, we feel their loss more deeply.
We feel their loss every time we participate in a celebration marking some milestone of our friends and relatives or their children. We feel the loss because any celebrations of our own will always be incomplete—two people will always be absent and not there to celebrate with us or to enjoy their own milestones. The pain of their absence is always present at these events.
When Megan and Kendall died, the pain of their loss was a sharp acute screaming pain that tore a hole inside of us. Now, the pain is a silent quiet steady pain. The hole is still inside us, covered by a scar, but it is still there. It only screams out loud sometimes now and more often just remains as a quiet steady and never-ending ache and sadness—a silent pain.
The silence of our home is a different kind of quiet. By now, if Megan and Kendall had lived, they may have been out on their own. We might have been “empty nesters” anyway. But, when a home becomes empty because of the death of a child, it is a different kind of empty nest. Trisha and Christopher are married and out on their own, the way it should be. But, Megan and Kendall are gone for a different reason.
So, the silence of our empty nest is not the silence of knowing we raised three children and now they are out leading their own lives. Instead it is the silence of a home that is empty because one child is gone forever—of having to deal with the reality that phone calls only come from two children, not three; that only two children stop by for a visit, not three; that one child is forever gone from the nest. There is a silence in our home that often seems to pervade every space. It is a sad silence, not the temporary quiet of a happy home.
And then, there is the silence of relatives and friends when we talk about Megan and Kendall—not about their death but about the things they did while alive. It is as if Megan and Kendall have become a forbidden topic because they died, as if their death wiped out the 22 years, or 4 months they did live. It occurs when a relative whispers that our daughter and granddaughter died when someone asked how they were—like their life and what happened to them was a big secret. It occurs when people suddenly get a funny look on their faces and don’t know what to say next when you mention something about Megan and Kendall. It occurs when you get the feeling that people want to avoid you because you remind them of a horror that could happen to anyone. It is a silence that reminds you that your emotions and feelings are different from that of others and that you will always have to live with the sounds of Silence resulting from your child’s death.

I miss you girls.

2009-07-13T09:44:00.003-05:00

Well,I guess the beach updates got lost in the shuffle of life, but that is okay. We had a grand time and are already planning for next year. Here are couple of photos:

Man it is hot outside! Kinda makes you just want to stay indoors and veg out. We had Brent's b-day this weekend. Wade grilled trout and we had lots of food! It must have been good, because there wasn't really anything leftover. When we started lighting the candles on the cake, Tyler started singing happy birthday, so about the time he finished the song, the neighbor boy who was here just blew out the candles! LOL It was too funny, we had to light them again and sing for Brent to blow them out. ( You may of had to be here to understand how funny this was?)

I Love you Girls

2009-07-02T07:44:00.003-05:00

I am home! Yea. I was in Dallas for 6 days and then Atlanta for 5 more. It feels good to be home. We learned some new strategies to use in the classroom and explored in the evenings. Dallas, well it is just Dallas. We did get some shopping in, stores that we don't have here at home and that was fun. We went to various restaurants, but did not really eat anything that was wonderful which was sort of disappointing, as we went to places like P.F. Chang's and pappadeaux, but the food was just so-so.

Our hotel was kind of cool. We stayed at the Hotel Lawrence in downtown Dallas. http://www.hotellawrencedallas.com/ It was built in 1925 and has been "restored" (lots of it is still old). The elevator (yes just one) was iffy, but staying on the 8th floor it was my friend as the stairwell was skinny and not air conditioned. The reviews for the most part are not good and most of them are true, the photos for the hotel are a bit misleading, so when you arrive you are a bit shell shocked. However, the shower was amazing. It has a shower head and the a shower bar that goes across the middle.

Next off to Atlanta. We stayed a the Hyatt Regency Peachtree,

http://atlantaregency.hyatt.com/hyatt/hotels/index.jsp

It was okay.....not that it was not nice, but not as "nice" as we expected it to be. And on top of that at the cheap hotels you get free Internet, not here! $12.95 a day. Yikes. So much for getting on the computer, so I have not checked my mail for a week. (still haven't, doing that next). Anyway in Atlanta we worked all day, but then we had dinner and we went to the attractions. The Atlanta Aquarium is worth your money, it would be an amazing place for kids, lots of hands on stuff, even touching animals in the water. http://www.georgiaaquarium.org/

Then there is the World of Coca Cola. That was a visit worth the money! http://www.worldofcoca-cola.com/ Besides regular museum stuff, they also have an interactive 4d movie and a tasting room with all 64 varieties of drinks they make around the world. ( I can not imagine tasting all 64 of them).

But of course there is the food. The food in Dallas was just okay, the food we had here was amazing. The first night was Benihanas, it was wonderful, we looked at each other and all said oh yea! good food. We also ate at Rays In The City. It is a seafood place and the fried green tomato's were fab! I had Parmesan crusted scallops with risotto. Yummy. If you are ever in Atlanta you should go. http://www.raysrestaurants.com/ We also ate at Mary Macs Tea Room. It is an out of the way local place that we learned about from our Taxi driver. It was one of those places that you are glad you discovered. http://www.marymacs.com/ It is great food, black eye peas, turnip greens, catfish, fried chicken etc. etc. etc. all made fresh.

More beach tomorrow........ ( I know I am slow).....

I love you girls.

In Memory

2009-06-20T10:47:00.006-05:00

I cannot figure out how to make this larger, sorry. This is a copy of what will run in tomorrow's paper.
I love you girls.
It is still so hard for me to believe
that you are gone.

More Beach

2009-06-17T13:10:00.006-05:00

We arrived on Saturday night, after 8 and we did not have the condo until the next day so we stayed at Days Inn. Which was an experience. Make yourself a note not to stay at the Days Inn in South Padre. Since it was past dinner time we walked down the street to The Big Donkey. Yes that really is the name of the Mexican restaurant we ate at. The calamari was nasty, but the grilled fish and shrimp was outta this world. yummy. We went back to the hotel and did not get much sleep what with the party in the next room, but that was okay after all we were on the island, right?

So Sunday morning we went with Christopher and family to Denny's, we did not even have to wait for a table. Tyler took a couple of photos of mom and dad and I took a couple of the kids. Breakfast was good.

It was only 9:30 in the morning now and check in for the house was not until 3pm. We needed to go into Port Isabel to get groceries so that was the plan, but first we headed to the beach to check out the house from the sand. Tyler and Madison had to have dry clothes after that stop. :) Here we are on the beach outside before we headed off to the store.

To be continued.....

I love you girls

The Beach!

2009-06-16T15:05:00.004-05:00

We had a wonderful time at the beach. There is something about just sitting by the ocean that is so carefree. Of course I have photos! Only about 150 ....maybe more?? So you won't see them all here, but I will post many over the next few days.

This is Tyler, the first day we arrived, he could not wait to jump in. And Madison loved the beach. She would run into the water just up to her knees and then run out. I bet she ran in circles for an hour or more. It was too cute.

For Megan's birthday we had sandcastle lessons. It was too cool. We all made castles and people kept stopping to look at them. Then we released balloons with messages. We all went out to dinner and had a great time. Our waiter was a goofy "dude". As in he was kinda outta here. But the food was good. Here are a couple of castle photos:

More later...

I Love You Girls

2009-05-25T12:15:00.006-05:00

We are making beach plans! The kids are excited! I bought the helium tank today so we can release balloons on the beach for Megan's birthday. We have plans to take sand castle lessons that day and then have a dinner out. Here are some photos from last year at the beach. I love the beach.

I Love you Girls

We are the Champions!

2009-05-17T09:59:00.007-05:00

My grandson and his baseball team are the champions! Woo Hoo. After a hard fought final game they won the 1st place trophy for the mid-cities season. We had so very much fun!

Oh and the Mother's Day gifts! I had each of the kids make a garden stone for their moms. We took photos as they did them and put them in frames to go along with the stones. They were a hit. The boys were so very excited to give their mom a handmade gift. I guess I am going to have to start thinking about next year. We did manage to get a Madison print, oops but no photo since it took both of us to hold her. Here are the photos:

What is funny is that the night before we went over to Christopher's house and Tyler took me by the hand and said come see Nana, and he showed me a handprint stone he and Madison had made, and he said it's for you. :) Guess he didn't get the surprise thing huh?

I love you girls.

2009-05-09T15:18:00.002-05:00

It has been 101 weeks. 707 days.......sounds like a long time. Some days it feels like yesterday I was holding Kendall and talking to Megan, I still miss them so very much. Yet look at how much has happened in those 707 days. We have welcomed two new little girls into our immediate family. Madison Renay and Megan Lea. (Megan would have been so very excited to have two little nieces! ) We have celebrated birthdays and holidays, planted trees, got a new roof and helped Christopher and Shannon move into a new home. I have changed jobs and we have new vehicles.

Wade's cousin had her baby a few days ago. She is a beautiful little girl. Her grandma is so very excited! About time she got to be grandma and she is also going to be one again this fall! How exciting! And another baby coming along in our lives, Megan's friend Tonia came by last night. She had her sonogram yesterday and it is a girl! She is so very excited. Babies are so wonderful, such a miracle gift from God.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. What a wonderful day to be able to celebrate. We helped the boys make gifts for their moms! How much fun we had. I will post the photos later, just in case the mom's peek at this before tomorrow.
If you are a parent you will realize that you keep time in your head by your children. What I mean is that you will remember when something was because you know it happened when Christopher was seven or just after Trisha was born or we moved when Megan was two. My time has now been altered.

I Love you girls.

too cute

2009-04-17T07:01:00.004-05:00

We had a wonderful Easter weekend. We dyed Easter Eggs, Trek asked " When are we gonna kill the eggs?" I was wondering until I realized that we were going to "dye" them. (guess he puts kill and die together) LOL

Trisha said maybe it was because we were going to "hunt" them and he realizes when you go hunting you "kill" something. :)

Madison turned one over the weekend and she is just too cute. She discovered chocolate foil eggs in the boy's Easter baskets and proceded to help herself, until Christopher discovered her.

I Love you Girls

2009-04-13T17:37:00.002-05:00

I have sort of gotten away from posting my feelings and day to day trials. I am so worried about making others feel down that I dont' want to post the sadness. AND I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to get it out sometimes. When someone tells me they don't know what to say, that is enough. Just to know that I have people that will let me lean on them when I need too. I have met parents on this journey that are far down the road and they say it does not go away, I will always grieve and it will never be fair. Some of them have lost siblings or spouses and parents, and they say there is no grief like that of losing a child and that I don't have to feel guilty about having bad days.

I still have times that I bawl outloud because I miss the girls. Things still catch me off guard and make me catch my breath. One of those is this new song. The first time we heard it was when we were going to the cemetary, as we entered the gate this song came on the radio, we both just sat there not moving. What timing. (Sissy's Song) I have it here on the blog.

I do know how much I have to be thankful for, but some days are just too much.
I love you girls.

My Grandchildren

2009-03-20T11:10:00.001-05:00

Spring is here. Today is the first day of spring. The weather this week has been awesome. We have been outside everyday. Wednesday on date night the kids played outside most of the evening. They usually have a great time together. This week they were racing the truck and the jeep and all of us adults sat on the patio and just enjoyed it.

Jonathan is becoming quite the little man. He is so thoughtful and caring for his younger siblings. Trek has discovered he loves Super Nintendo. Yes that is an older game system, but I got it out and hooked it up and he loves it. I can't believe he is almost 6! Caden has become "older" just recently, I was watching him "write" with a pencil instead of just scribbling, oh my! Miss Megan is just a doll, she loves to be held by all and is content to just sleep in your arms. Tyler is 4 now, oh dear, he loves anything with wheels, but especially trains and his new found love is Lego's. Madison is becoming a little girl, she is taking steps and knows exactly what she wants, when she wants it.

They all are so very special in their own ways. I was just sitting there the other night looking out at the yard and felt so warm and wonderful to see my children and their children smiling.

I got the girls their first Barbie's the other day, I need to get all the ones out of the attic so they can play. I also plan to get Megan's doll cradle down for them to play with.

Megan Lea
Madison 11 months

The boys :)
Tyler is four

I love you girls

Madison's Bear photos

2009-03-18T13:53:00.001-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Today is Kendall's birthday

2009-02-13T09:22:00.000-06:00

Today Kendall would be Two! I should be decorating a cake and helping with party plans. I have tried to stay busy this week, but somehow I still am in a funk. It seems like it is constantly in the front of my mind. I realize that this is how it is, but I wish I could just turn it off for a while. It is so mentally exhausting to feel so sad. I guess it is a sign that I am starting to accept and learn to live that I don't want to be so sad, but I am not really sure it will ever go away.

There are so very many things going on right now that I have plenty to keep myself busy, or you would think. Lots of news. Of course Megan Lea is here, she arrived on January 26. It was sort of an "emergency cesarean" not in the sense that it happened in the emergency room, but Trisha went in to the office and they said we are doing this now. She called about 3 and they put her in a bed and at 5 they were heading to the operation room so it was fast and furious. Megan arrived at 36 weeks weighing 6 lbs 7 oz and 19 inches long. She is so pretty! She had a little trouble with her breathing at first, but she is fine. The boys love having a little sister.

My son and his wife are buying a new house. It is awesome! They are going to be painting this weekend and then have carpet laid before they move in. Talk about a lot to do. They are going to be working hard!

Happy Birthday Kendall!

I love you girls.

Finally

2009-01-25T13:17:00.000-06:00

I know I have not posted in more than a month. It has been 19 months and I still miss my girls everyday. Kendall would be a darling little girl now and would be talking and walking and I am sure have the cutest personality possible. Megan would be so very excited and dressing her in all the latest styles. New Years was tough, I kept thinking how much Megan would have loved going out as a 21 year old. I found some bling for their flowers and Happy New Year stars.

We began our Compassionate Friends Chapter. We have had two official meetings now. If you are not familiar with Compassionate Friends, they have a website (just google it).

The wonderful news is that they are going to be installing a traffic light at the intersection where the girls were killed. There are so very many accidents there.

Trisha is due any day now. We are all anxiously awaiting Megan Lea's arrival.
Hugs to you all.

I love you girls.

2008-12-13T12:21:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving turned out to be a beautiful day. We took family photos as always. Remember last year we took them in the snow! How fun that was. We enjoyed the day and remembered the girls. In the photo you see some of our many blessings.

Trisha's baby shower was last weekend. It was lovely. How wonderful that we have that new baby girl to look forward to.

We had the first meeting of our compassionate friends chapter. Our charter was approved and we are getting organized. This weekend is the Memorial Candle Lighting. As one dad told me, you never want to be a member, but it is wonderful that we have others to talk to.

I am working really hard on finding that happy place. The hole in my life has been very prominent in the past weeks. I am told this is "normal" for the stage that I am in. I really do not like the word "normal" anymore.

I love you girls.

2008-11-25T12:49:00.000-06:00

Sarah came to see me! Megan's friend Sarah was in town for her birthday and she called me up and we went to lunch. Oh my it was wonderful. I so enjoyed visiting with her and catching up. We are hoping we can see each other again over the holidays. College is going well for her and she looks wonderful. She made my week!

I cleaned Kendall's room yesterday. Things you don't think of, I did her laundry, it was still in the hamper (nothing gross).....dusted her room......

Today the plan was to clean Megan's room, it is so dusty in there, but I keep finding "other" things to do instead.....I know I should do her laundry too.......

Tomorrow I am going to bake---I missed that last year.

I love you girls

2008-11-15T10:25:00.000-06:00

I added music! Yea for me. Learned something new.

The holidays are coming--working on that.

Went with Trisha to register for Megan Lea's baby shower. We had a good time. Can't wait till that baby girl gets here.

Madison is crawling! She is too cute. The boys all love her.

Hugs to everyone.

I love you girls.

2008-11-04T21:25:00.001-06:00

And the holidays are coming around again. Last year I think I just survived them, this year I am going to have to actually live through them. The numb is gone and I have to feel again. I really don't want to.

Some things I have been learning:

I will have emotional highs, lows, ups and downs. I wish everyone would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I should be committed.

I wish everyone would not expect my grief to be over. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but will forevermore be a "recovering bereaved parent".

I wish everyone was not afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived, was important and I need to hear her name.

I wish that if I cry or get emotional you would know that it is not because you have hurt me, the fact that my child died caused the tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you.

My Blessings:

I love you girls.

pumpkin patch

2008-10-27T20:02:00.001-05:00

Madison Renay

2008-10-25T08:51:00.000-05:00

It has been 16 months now. Some days it seems like yesterday and some days it feels like forever. We attended a compassionate friends meeting the other day. It was good, but hard too. One of the men said it is a group you hope to never join, and I agree. We are working on starting a chapter here now. Here is a poem I got from there:

I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk.
So Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others, I won't shy away,
because I want to hear what you have to say.

Your child has died...and you need to be heard,
but they don't want to hear a single word.
They tell you your childs "with God, so be strong"
They say all the "right" things, that somehow seem so wrong.

They're just hurting for you and trying to say,
they would give anything to talk your pain away.
But they are struggling with feelings they cannot understand
so forgive them for not offering a helping hand.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry...and be glad if you smile.
I won't critize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen, 'til your night turns to morn.

Yes, they journey is hard and unbearably long,
and I know that you think you are not quite that strong.
So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare.
And I know how it hurts friend, for I have been there.

You see, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
for not long ago I was helped the same way.
As I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal
So believe when I say I know how you feel.

It is true that talking to someone who knows is helpful. Maybe one day we can be strong for someone else who has to live this nightmare.

I love you girls.

2008-10-04T15:35:00.000-05:00

We went to see the girls this morning. Had to remove their flowers and stuff for the clean-up week. We will go back next weekend to put the new flowers we bought today and the halloween decor. I found the cutest black cat with a mask, Megan would love it. I can't help but think about how much fun she would have picking a costume for Kendall.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you girls. I love you.

2008-09-30T17:52:00.001-05:00

What is wrong with me today? It is not a special date, but I am a mess. Tears forming in my eyes at the drop of a hat. Finally got home and sat down and just bawled. I miss them so very much.

Took the boys to the St Anns fair this past Saturday, it is our annual outing. Kendall should have been playing the toddler games this year. We had a great time and the boys love going. We went to Gatti's for lunch afterwards and had a blast there too.

Madison is going to be crawling any day now. She is just too cute.

Trisha had her 3-d sonogram done yesterday. She said that Megan Lea is short :) ! Trisha has lost 11 pounds since her last appointment so the doctor put her on a new medicine.

I love you girls

2008-09-21T17:13:00.001-05:00

My children are wonderful. They (along with Wade) bought me a new camera for my birthday. They bought me a Canon Rebel, but gave me the receipt also so I could trade if I wanted to. I played with it and talked to a few people and I did trade it. I got a Sony, it is more point and shoot, but has all the lenses also--kind of an inbetween if there is one. I love it. I love the zoom and the motion and it has an amazing night/dusk feature.

I am having a hard day today. Why? couldn't tell ya, but it is one of those up-down emotion days. Megan was in my dreams last night. She was helping me clean house. How weird is that. We were having such a good time. She was carrying Kendall around with her.

We celebrated our 28th anniversary last week. We had the whole family over and some friends. It was good.

Shannon has been coming over to work on the kid's scrapbooks, that has been good for me as it allows me to scrap without becoming overwhelmed.

I love you girls

It's a girl!

2008-08-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

So much goes on, I still "journal" in my head, but seldom make it to the computer. Here are some happenings!

It's a girl. Yep, Trisha is having a girl. She has three boys and number four is a girl. How exciting. She is due in Feburary (near Kendall's birthday) and they are naming her Megan Lee. (Megan, well for Megan and Lee is for Brent's sister who died in a car accident 11 years ago) How wonderful that we will have two little girls with such wonderful namesakes. ( you remember that Madison Renay was named using Kendall and Megan's middle names)

Madison and Megan will be less than a year apart in age and will be loved by all. How wonderful that they will have a friend among all those boys. :) Life is amazing.

School has started (with the kids) this week. Somehow the first week of school is exhausting for everyone. No matter how much sleep or rest or how ready you are, parents, student and teachers are tired! I have been in bed by or before 9 all week.

Jonathan and Trek had their first day of school. They are so very excited about going to school together. Here they are on the first day of school.

Our birthday's ( mine and Wade's) were this week. Oh my gosh I was not ready for how hard that would be. As we talked, I guess we figured out that last year we were still in shock and sort of numb, but this year it was hard to face that Megan and Kendall were not here. So very many birthday memories and they all included Megan, Trisha and Christopher, giving us birthday surprises, it was a very hard day.

It made me remember the lady (she had lost a child years ago) who told me shortly after the accident that I would have to hang on because if I thought the first year was hard I was in for a shock because the second year is worse. Ya know, I think she was right. I guess the first year you are just trying to survive, and maybe the second you have to learn how to live again? I really have no clue.

To all of you who are always here for me, thank you. You are more help than you can ever imagine.

I love you girls.

I still miss you

2008-08-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

There is a new song (new to me anyway) It fits, here is the chorus:

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you

It is exactly how I feel. There are some days that I think I will never be okay.

Love you girls

2008-08-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

Well I started back to work today. I took a new position, I am math department chair at one of the junior high schools. It is going to be a change for me, which I think will be good. We kept Tyler and Madison tonight while Christopher and Shannon went to a wedding. Madison is sleeping and Tyler is still up watching Noggin.

I uploaded photos tonight and here a few from Vegas.

This is Wade's dad with some of the cast from the Sirens of TI.

I was following on the way down the strip.

This is one of the lions at MGM. It is kinda blurry since you have to see them through 3 inches of glass. Hmmmm wonder why? I love cats, big and small.

And tonight here is Ms. Maddie:

How wonderful it is that I am blessed with my family and friends.

I miss you girls. I love you

2008-08-06T08:42:00.000-05:00

Why does it seem that talking about Megan and Kendall freaks everyone out? Sometimes it is like I say one of their names and suddenly everyone is quiet and uncomfortable. I'm not upset or crying or anything at these times, it is just a normal conversation and suddenly the air stops. Like a conversation about a teacher that someone was asking about and I said "You will love her, she was Megan's first grade teacher, she is so sweet" and suddenly no one wants to continue the conversation. In a way I want to just tell everyone that they are real, they are not someone I made up in my mind, they are not my imaginary friends, they are real. It is okay to talk about them. Guess that is my gripe for the day.

I love you girls

Las Vegas

2008-08-04T16:51:00.001-05:00

We are home. Vegas was great. We had a good time. We talked about Megan alot, the things she would love and the places she would have gone. I did not realize how much this trip would affect me. As the plane started to take off suddenly I had tears streaming down my face, I had been in a grumpy mood for a couple of days and Wade wondered why I was not excited about leaving, I had no explanation for him, but when the tears began we both knew. Somewhere in my head I knew that Megan was supposed to be coming with us.

It is good to be home, have the laundry going and about 200 emails to check. I will post some photos later.

I love you girls.

2008-07-27T12:15:00.000-05:00

I kept the kids yesterday while Shannon when to a wedding shower. We had a great time. Tyler played in the hot tub, (he calls it a bath tub) and Madison was swinging on the patio. She loves that swing. They wound up staying for the day and Wade made us crab legs and scallops for dinner. Yummy.

Trisha is still at the beach. They are having a good time. We are going to Vegas next week. In a way it has been planned for years, we were going to take Megan this summer since she turned 21 in June, so it will be a memory for us as well as a getaway before school starts.

I miss you girls.

Long Post

2008-07-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

You know I post in my mind every night. Doesn't make sense huh? I mean I think about the day and what I would say, I just never get around to putting it in type. Sometimes I feel like it is just too down to write and other times I just don't get on the computer.

Fun News:
We got a hot tub. It was suggested for stress so we went shopping. Got a good deal and it is wonderful. We have sat in it every night and it really is relaxing. From there to shower and bed makes it easier to fall asleep. It is a 6-7 person tub with a waterfall and LED lights. Kinda cool. The kids think it is great and the grandkids think it is a pool.

Family News:
Trisha and her family are gone again. This time to the beach. I miss them when they are away. I got the boys a new webkinz to give to them when they get back. Trisha's first doctor's appointment is on the 1st. She is feeling pretty good.
Christopher and his family are doing good. Madison is growing so very fast. Tyler is learning to play games with others (like candy land etc...)

We have been having a rough time of it lately. Neither of us can explain why, it just is.

Frustration:
A couple weeks ago when we went to see the girls we found that they had somehow made two huge ruts in their grave. It appeared that they had been backing something (we think a trailer) through the area and when they hit that spot it sunk into the ground. Now we know that they must use large tractors etc in their jobs, but we really felt like they should have done something about the holes they left. They stopped when they sank and drove back forward, but left these without filling them or anything. They were about 9 inches deep on each end. Well my FIL filled them in with dirt and put some grass on them the best he could and he told them in the office about it. So we went back a few days later and I was cleaning off the headstone and realized that the vase was bent (keep in mind it is made of solid bronze) and lopsided. Apparently they ran over the girls' flower vase with something and did not bother to tell anyone. This time I went to the office, no one was there, so I went back at 8 the next morning. I asked for the manager (I had heard that there was a new one) and waited for him. He said that someone should have called and told us that they damaged the vase and they would order one and call and let me know when it would arrive. I then also told him about the "holes" and he said he had no knowledge of them and I told him that it was reported to the office. He said they would take care of it. A couple days later when I went out the holes had been filled in with nice dirt and it looks good, so I stopped by the office to tell them thanks and ask if the vase was ordered. He said oh I thought we called you. It will be in next week and we will call. Guess what? They didn't call again, when I went by today it was there. I stopped in the office and she said oh did you see the new vase, I said yes, but you never called.

I love you girls

scrapping again

2008-07-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

Well I have gotten back to actually scrapping. As in I have finished 8 pages in the last day and a half. Yea! (in addition to the bear books.). What are bear books? For each grandchild I have taken a photo on the day they come home from the hospital and then one each month for their first year. I then have made a book (8 x 8) for them. Each 2 page "layout" has a paper pieced bear with the monthly theme and the month on the left page, then the right page has their photo with the bear and a quote along with their current age. The boys love to look at their books and it is awesome to see how they grew the first year in each book.

Been a rough couple days, don't really know why. Guess I will never really be expecting those days, they just come along.

Trisha and her family are at the lake with her in laws, they will be home Sunday night. I miss them when they are gone. I am so lucky that I get to see them everyday. Christopher and his family came for dinner last night. We cooked out hot dogs and sat on the patio until dark thirty just talking. It was great. I bought the wonder pets beanie babies for Tyler, he is so cute. Ming Ming is his favorite.

Yes the wii fit is funny sometimes. I want to comment back to her sometimes. But it is fun and I think it does benefit me.

Hugs to you all and have a great weekend.
Love you girls.

2008-06-28T10:44:00.000-05:00

I'm here. Made it through the week. It's kinda ironic that I think memories are so wonderful and important, yet at the same time they cripple me too. It is getting better though. I can see that I will have a "new normal", the question is when. I think for everyone it is different. I have talked with four other people who lost children in an accident now, and the time frames are a bit different. Although they all say it will never be okay. Still reading, have another line that I realize is true. "If you are waiting for me to get back to my old self you will be disappointed, I will never be the same, I will be a new person, I hope you will wait to see if you still like me".

I scrapped a page this week, Made Caden's bear book, and with the help of a friend got the paper to finish Kendall's bear book. I have been trying to get back into life, one step at a time.

I bought a Wiifit yesterday. Did not have time to get it all set up yet, but am planning that for today. It was an implus buy. They just got in a shipment at Sams and I thought "why not". It sounds really neat. I think the yoga exercises might be soothing. We will see.

Trisha took the boys to see the Critter Expo at the Science Spectrum yesterday. They emailed me this photo last night. Sounds like they had a great time.

Miss you girls.

2008-06-20T08:19:00.000-05:00

It is raining this morning. Yea!

I took the boys bowling yesterday. Then we went to Chuckie Cheese for lunch. We had a great time and they played and ate and played some more. It was a good day for all of us.

Went and picked out flowers for Megan and Kendall. I chose a variety of different flowers in different shades of pink.

This is the most awful week. I keep remembering, "last year on this day we were....." and last year we were planning............. I was told that the anniversary would be terrible, they were right.

I met with a lady this week who was involved with compassionate friends when there was a chapter here years ago. She lost two children 11 years and 20 years ago. She told me that although I will always cry, that I will learn to go on. She also told me that the second year is worse than the first. It is good to talk to a survivor.

I miss you girls.

2008-06-17T07:36:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh..................more proof that I am blessed. Trisha called last night. They are expecting a baby. How wonderful. I can't wait.

More about the beach. The elevator made sure life was interesting. When we first arrived it did not work. Now think about the fact that we were on the 5th floor. The lady by the pool and the man we met on the stairs said it had been out of order since the day before. Yikes. I called the rental agency and they said they would try to call someone, but since it was the weekend they did not know if they could. Not okay with me so I called the building owner (the number was on the building) and they had a "press 16 if this call cannot wait until our next business hours" so I did and told them that I could not wait two days for an elevator. Guess what? They were there in about an hour and had it up and going a short time later. Yea!

So on Monday we were headed out to the beach, I was going down with Shannon, Christopher, Tyler and the baby. As we held the door for the stroller Tyler walked under our arms, we turned around and he was gone. Now there was no where to go, we were the only ones on the top floor, but there was the elevator. Now since it makes no sounds (no dings or chimes, I will explain later) we did not know that he pushed the button and it opened right up, like in seconds. Christopher took the stairs, we took the elevator, met a man that said he thought he heard someone calling "mommy" on the 2nd floor, so off we went. we actually found him on the 3rd floor, standing in the hallway waiting. Oh my gosh! It was really only a minute, but it felt like forever.

Go ahead to Tuesday night. We are sitting at the pool, all of us, and Trisha says she is going to run up and use the restroom. We are talking, the kids are swimming and then we realize Trisha has not returned. We said oh, hope the elevator did not quit again. Shannon said it scared her sometimes because it acts funny, and we all agreed that we hoped we did not get stuck. Then a man comes out to the pool looking for Brent. He said that Brent's wife was stuck in the elevator on the 3rd floor. Oh my! Christopher and I took the stairs. Trisha was in there all right. Now the phone did work---it called a center that gave you a recording to wait on hold if there was an emergency. She waited and the lady that came on told her that she could push the alarm button to alert people that she was in the elevator, nope did not work, then there is a call button that is supposed to drop you to the nearest floor and open the door, nope did not work, there is a chime button, nope did not work. She said the lady said she would try to send someone soon. I called the rental place, he said oh I will try to contact someone. I called the building owner, pushed 16 again to leave a message. No luck so far, the man who had just happened to be returning from dinner and had to take the stairs to his 4th floor and had just by luck heard Trisha in there went to his car and got a crow bar. The rental place called back and said the fire department was on the way, the man pried open the door (by the way no fan in there either) and we got Trisha out and here was the fire department. They have a cool key that was supposed to open the door, nope did not work---and here came the elevator guy. Yes I got a photo of the fire truck! :)

So the next day I called the building company and told the lady that I felt they should know that the alarm etc did not work on their elevator, they passed me right along to the manager who told me that yes it all did work, I told him nope and he said yes he knew it did because someone was just trapped in there and got out. I told him that was my daughter and that I knew the stuff did not work because I was there. He then said oh well they elevator had been vandalized a week or so ago and they were going to fix it. Wade said they probably have to now because the fire department keeps records.

How is that for a long post? :0

love you girls.

2008-06-16T13:49:00.000-05:00

I don't think I really expected to feel so much this week. It is like the weight is back on my chest and I cannot breathe. I know it is the calendar looming over me. I am reliving that morning over and over again. That part had faded, it was not a daily review in my mind and now that is back. Him asking "Are you Mrs. Bryant?" me replying not with an answer to his question, but with a "who's hurt?".
him: " Do you have a daughter named Megan?"
me: "where is she, lets go"
him: "I am sorry ma'am, she did not make it"
me: not breathing, "Where is the baby?"
him: " I'm sorry I understand neither one of them made it"
me: screaming
After that I have few memories of what happened for a couple of weeks. There are bits and parts, and people have told me things, guess that is how your body survives.

I am back to survival, one day at a time. I know Megan and Kendall are watching over us, I know that she sends us signs that she is there. I know she is telling me that they are okay.

I love you girls.

Megan's 21st birthday

2008-06-14T22:18:00.000-05:00

We went to the beach to celebrate Megan's birthday as a family so on Friday before we left we took her red roses. We had friends and family then that took out balloons and party stuff on Monday the 9th.

We just got home tonight from the beach. It was wonderful. We all went, since Megan loved the beach. My sister took helium and on Monday the 9th we released pink balloons in the air, drew happy birthday megan in the sand and had cake. We talked and remembered and we know she would be having a grand time.

Megan and Kendall are my angels. I love you girls.

2008-06-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

Oh by the way Madison Renay is my son's new daughter she was born on April 10th. What a wonderful blessing.

They named her after the girls. Megan Renay and Kendall Madison. How wonderful that she has such namesakes.
Hugs

2008-06-02T15:48:00.000-05:00

Still hot, Like 106 yesterday and supposed to be 107 today. Yikes. Just working on cleaning off my desk. I am working on doing some scrapping. Which is a good thing.

Here is a photo of Madison Renay at one month. She is just so cute!

I love you girls

2008-05-31T08:36:00.000-05:00

Jeepers it has been hot here. 102 yesterday and supposed to be 105 today. Yikes. Yesterday morning the transformer blew at about 6:40 am so we got ready for work in the dark, no hair dryer, no coffee, nothing. Called the electric company and they said they would have it up and running by 9am. Got home just before 5 and guess what, because I have not put my key back on my keychain, I could not get in because the electricity was still off! Garage door openers do not work without it! Checked every window---all locked, good for us huh? So called electric again and they said by 7 at the latest. Went to Barnes and Nobles with a friend to walk around where it was cool so I could wait to get in my house. Crazy huh?

Only a week till we leave for the beach. I am looking forward to it.

It is still hard for me to believe my new reality.
I love you girls.

2008-05-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

Been a crazy three days. Jonathan put his hand/arm through the window from the backyard last night. He received 15 stitches in three areas at the emergency room. He was pretty brave though. Poor guy. His ball game was tonight and they won again! 9-1 He did not get to play of course, but he did help me keep score and cheered on his team. They play for the championship on Thursday night yippiee!!

I went to see the girls at lunch today. Sat and talked to Megan and Kendall while I ate. It is so hot here now, in the triple digits the last two days.

I am going to see about having a shirt made for the beach/Megan's birthday. Everyone wants one.

I miss you girls

2008-05-18T12:56:00.000-05:00

The kids and Wade went in together and bought me a charm bracelet for Mother's Day. They each gave me a charm that had meaning and then also the double heart for Megan and Kendall. Yesterday we went to the mall and Wade chose two more charms for me. The mother daughter one and a heart that will have M on one side and K on the other.

Sarah, Sara and Rachel came to see me this week. How wonderful to see them. We just sat and talked about memories. It was awesome.

School will be out soon, lucky for me that I have inservice many times this summer, I think it will help keep me busy. I am afraid of what would happen if I had nothing I HAD to do.

Jonathan's tournament for little league started last night. It was great. They won their game 21 to 7. So we continue on in the tournament. We play again on Tuesday.

Roxie is doing well, (the cat that swallowed the stamp) so is eating again and acting sorta of like herself.

The beach is coming up soon. I need to make a list of things so I won't forget them and I need to make plans for Megan's birthday.

I love you girls.

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T08:36:00.000-05:00

Here it is the day I have been dreading. Funny huh? I love being a mom, it has been the most rewarding, exciting part of my life. Yet, today is bitter sweet. Last year Megan was so happy to have joined the "moms" of life, and this year she is missing. In addition, I am missing one of my own. We are going to go see the girls and we are making one of Megan's favorite meals for dinner.

On a brighter note, Madison was a month old yesterday and we have to take her second bear photo today.

May you all have wonderful Mother's Days!

I miss you girls.

2008-05-08T16:59:00.001-05:00

I am here. I have been journaling in a book and so I was not posting, but I am here. There are still days I wish I could just fall off the world and some days that I feel like I have. I have been told that 3 to 5 years of that is "normal", holy cow I hate that word.

There have been so many hurdles to get through this spring, we had to file Megan's taxes--who would have thought, but you have too, it was a very hard thing to do. The lawsuit with the trucking company has finally been settled, what a bunch of hooey.

Baseball has started up again. Megan loved baseball. I am so glad we took her to a real game. I still remember how excited she was. Jonathan is playing again and I go to the games, they even have memories for me since I took Kendall to every game with me last year.

I feel like the rollar coaster is coming full force now. Mother's Day is going to be a shocker, I keep thinking about last year when we talked about the fact that all of my children were parents. Megan was so excited that she was a mom. Then around the corner is Megan's birthday and then the most awful day of the year is looming. My support group is wonderful. They are here for me.

It seems like everything I do is connected somehow and although I seem to be getting through it more evenly, I just keep wondering when it will quit hitting me in the head sometimes full force, and sometimes with no warning. The counselor calls that an ambush, and says there is nothing you can do about it, just cry it out. The group I was attending had one discussion that said there may be days that you just decide to not get out of bed, I am afraid to do that because if I let myself do it once, I am not sure I would ever decide to get back up.

Family and friends keep me going, the occasional phone call or email that says "just thinking of you" helps so much. The fact that I have a few co-workers that are just there when I have tears in my eyes, I am so very blessed to have so very many people to care.

I love you girls.

2008-03-08T08:48:00.000-06:00

Well lets see, I have not been doing so great at this or life. Got really bogged down in the holidays and then Kendall's birthday and other "firsts".
Kendall's birthday went well. We ordered a wonderful balloon bouquet and placed on their headstone, and Trisha made a giant cake cutout painted hot pink with "diamonds" and glitter and a #1 on top that we put there too. We had a picnic lunch and cake with the girls and Trek reminded us that we had to sing happy birthday. Megan's friends came as well as the family. My sister brought balloons for us to release. We wrote messages on them and then let them all go. It was beautiful and as the balloons rose two of them separated from the "pack" and flew up faster and to the side of the rest. I miss that baby girl.

Shannon's baby shower was the next weekend. It was a beautiful shower, but the memories from just a year ago were tough. What joy that new baby girl is already showering on our family. Each time I go to the store I find her some new clothes. She is already so very spoiled.

Jonathan's 1st grade program was this week. It was so cute, he played a little pig on old mcdonalds farm. The program was called ee-i-ee-i--oops.

As for me, or us, I am tired of feeling down. But then again, I think I would be upset if I was up? How wierd is that. I do make it through the day sometimes now without bawling, but not a minute goes by that I do not think of the girls. We are coming up on Easter and I remember last year, Megan was so excited to make Kendall's first easter basket and she dyed eggs with us. We shopped for her first easter dress and it was such a wonderful day. I am already asking myself how I am going to make it those days.

Thank God for friends. We are so blessed and so very thankful for all of our friends and family, close and far, who continue to call, write, email and visit us. Without understanding at all, and I pray they never have too, they continue to urge us to go on living in various ways. There is no way to tell everyone what they have done and still do for us. It is difficult at times to know what to say for them and for us, how much do you share?

We are going today to place spring flowers and Easter decorations at the cemetary. It was cleaning week at the cemetary so we had to remove all items for the week.

I love you girls.

MIA

2008-01-31T22:36:00.000-06:00

Well, as you can see I have not been on the computer in some time now. I have been trying to get around to writing here. I had more than 400 emails to look at when I finally signed on again. Yikes.

Started back to work and it was like starting all over again. I have also started grief counseling. I was skeptical, but it is really helping. It also lets me know that I am "normal". The first step I am told is acceptance and it can take up to a year. I feel better knowing that because there are some days that I know I have not accepted it, and wonder if I ever will.

One analogy I heard was it is like being under a pile of rocks and trying to climb out, I was feeling like I was making progress, but the last month it has been like the rocks fell back on me and I have to start over again. I have not wanted to write, talk or do anything else. The counselor said that I should plan ahead for days I know will be bad, so we are planning Kendall's first birthday. On February 13th she will be one. I am going to take a balloon bouquet to place on their headstone.

I am going to write more often, part of my "therapy" is to journal so this is as good a place as any. I had to define my comfort places, the places I go when things are bad, they are either sitting in the nursery in the rocking chair, or laying on Megan's bed. When I cannot handle life I can spend some time in these places and then I can face the world again.

Take care all.
I love you girls.

2007-12-29T07:54:00.000-06:00

Wow. There are wonderful people in this world. The kind of people that everyone should strive to be. On Christmas eve the doorbell rang and the fed-ex guy was there. What on earth did I order that I forgot about. Nothing. It was a gift for us. We received flowers and I received a wonderful "spa" sleigh from a group of ladies that I have never met. How wonderful. There are not words that can express our thanks.

December 22 was 6 months. That is the magic time frame that all the literature says I should start feeling human again. I guess they missed the fact that 6 months might occur near Christmas. One of the ladies I talk to , she lost her daughter 9 years ago, said that they just skipped the holidays. We did not feel that was an option because of the grandkids. How could they understand us taking Christmas from them. So we forged ahead. With limited decor and lots of crying. The loss of the tree added to the un-joy. How could someone? The community again showed us that the "grinch" could not take away the holiday. We were blessed with offers of ornaments and trees. The news came by and did an interview for Christmas Day and friends added ornaments to the new tree.

Shopping was tough, everywhere you look there was something that you would like to get for Megan or Kendall. Funny how the strangest things can make you start crying in the middle of Target.

However, we are blessed. We have many things to be thankful for and our Children and Grandchildren are blessings. I miss the girls though. I sit in the nursery in the rocking chair where I rocked that baby girl, or I lay on Megan's bed where the pillows we made together sit. I think of the silly conversations we would have either late at night or early in the morning.

Wade gave me a beautiful necklace for Christmas, it is two hearts, one inside the other. My sister gave us two sets of windchimes with the girls names engraved, one set for the porch and one for the cemetary so they will be in both places. My students went in together and gave a day at the spa! Can you believe that? How amazing.

I won teacher of the year at our school. It was announced on Dec 21, our last day. Now I move on to the city wide competition.

That is a lot of babble. I love you girls.

2007-12-19T21:10:00.000-06:00

Well the tree was not returned even after the paper did a story on it, wishful thinking huh? We bought a new tree and some more solar lights and ornaments and I put it out today. Jonathan brought two small heart ornaments and added them to the tree. It is pretty.

The weather is all messed up, it was 70 today, what is up with that? It was 40 a couple days ago. I am hoping for cold on Christmas Day.

I am hoping to catch up on emails and letters over my school break, I cannot seem to get anything done lately and am seldom logged on to catch up.

I hope everyone has a very happy holiday.

I love you girls

Dec 13th The good and the bad.

2007-12-13T16:38:00.000-06:00

It is a Girl! Shannon and Christopher are expecting a baby girl in April. Her name is Madison Renay. How wonderful!

We painted cookies last weekend. It is something we have done every year since Trisha was born. It was a tough night as last year we had talked about having a new painter this year (Kendall). But we enjoyed each other and talked about Megan and Kendall.

Kendall is 10 months old today. There is a candle lighting tonight at the funeral home, we are going. It will be emotional I know.

We put a tree at Megan and Kendall's grave, I think I told you, with solar lights and ornaments. There was a baby's first Christmas bear and glass balls and Shannon had a friend make some zebra balls. It was beautiful. I say "was" because someone STOLE it. Can you believe that? We were out there Sunday evening and sometime between then and Wednesday morning someone took it. I am so mad and hurt.

I miss you girls, I love you so much.

December 2, 2007

2007-12-02T08:21:00.000-06:00

We received 3 inches of snow on Thanksgiving Day. What a wonderful surprise. I think it saved us. I have no idea what the day would have been like if we sat inside and just thought. Instead, we had a snowball fight at 11 am and again at 3. I am telling you that I was so sore the next day, that was a workout, but it was a life saver. In my heart I feel like Megan sent the snow for me, silly huh? We made snow ice cream and built a snowman and talked about the last snow when Megan and I were home alone. We made snow angels that day and had a blast outside throwing snow at one another.

The boys loved it, even little Caden held a snowball and ran around. It was a magical time outside.

December is here and already things are tough. Funny how "normal" things make you cry. I went to buy Christmas cards, I do every year, and it was tough because I did not agree with any of the ones that said joy, happy, etc....

We got a new roof. We had a big leak in the kitchen and the roofer said to call the insurance and sure enough they paid to replace the entire roof. It looks nice. Now the workers will be here tomorrow to start on the inside. It will look like a new kitchen and laundry room when we are done. We were going to paint the kitchen this summer, and Megan and I had been talking colors and themes already so we are going with her idea. The walls will be a navy type blue and the color theme will be browns and blues. I really think it will look neat.

Thank you all for the continued support. The calls, emails, letters and cards keep us going. The love and support are unbelieveable. I hope one day I can help someone as much as you all have helped me.

I am still here.

2007-11-11T11:49:00.000-06:00

I am here, have not fallen off the world, although it felt like that the last few weeks. I cannot even begin to explain why suddenly life was so hard. It was all I could do to get myself out of bed in the morning. Everything was left undone. Nothing seemed to help and I was lost for awhile, I am finding my way back now. What I would do without friends and family who are always here for me I can't even begin to imagine. The holidays are going to be hard, I already wonder how we will survive.

On a brighter note, my daughter-in-law will have her sonogram on December 6th to discover if we will welcome a boy or a girl to our lives. I am going to take the day off and go with her. I am so excited. Then I am going shopping for that baby. I love those babies.

The weather here is still so warm, I am ready for the chilly days that make fall seem real.
I bought a small tree to put by Megan and Kendall's headstone. It is pink. :) I think we will "adopt" a baby girl for the giving tree this year. (the Salvation Army sponsors this).

Tyler had his two year photos made a couple weeks ago. He is so cute.

8 Months

2007-10-13T07:38:00.000-05:00

Kendall is 8 months old today. How I miss holding that baby girl. It has been 16 weeks since the accident and I still walk down the hall and look in Megan's room to see if she is there. Crazy huh?

Where does the week go? I am not as organized as I used to be so things take me longer. I guess that might be why I don't have the extra time I had before. I don't get to the computer everyday and when I do I often just have a minute to check email. We both do more things that keep us out of the house, I suppose that is a defense mechanism from our sub-conscious. Who knows? Anyway, so much for my goal of posting more often.

I am going for a mammogram this morning. It is a fun way to start the day.

My daughter and daughter - in- law took the boys to the pumpkin patch this week. It has been a yearly event since Jonathan was 2. They have so much fun and came over afterwards just bubbling with excitement about what they did there. I love them all so very much. Trek is 4 and he still does not really understand about the girls so he bought baby Kendall a "wittle" pumpkin too. He does not want her to be left out.

Here they are:

I love you girls.

2007-10-06T07:43:00.000-05:00

Wow it has been a fast week. It was the end of the 6 weeks at school so grades and reports kept me busy.

Jonathan ( my oldest grandson) lost his first tooth. He was so excited that the toothfairy came to see him. How cute they are and how fast they grow up. We keep the boys each Thursday evening so that their parents can have a date night. It is only long enough for dinner out, but I can remember how those days were and an hour or two alone is wonderful.

We are talking about Megan's birthday. It is not until June, but she would have been 21 so we want to do something special. She loved going to the beach, so I think we might spend her birthday there with the family. I know it will be a hard time.

Today I get to clean house, do laundry, pay bills and all that fun stuff that seems to go on and on. I really love my house when it is all clean.

Not much to say, nothing has really changed, just making it day to day. Which is an improvement from making it minute to minute. So that is a good thing.

I love you girls.

September 30

2007-09-30T09:56:00.000-05:00

Wow I have not been on the computer in a while. Went to the doctor on the 18th and he prescribed some medication for me. The headaches are gone now. My head was hurting constantly and I was feeling nausea often. He said that my body was still feeling like it was in danger and could not help itself. I guess he was right, because I do feel better physically. This is a good thing. I also got my last rabies shot. Yippiee.

I took the boys to the fair yesterday. It is a yearly tradition since Jonathan turned one. Nana and the boys go play the games and ride the rides. I will have to post some photos. I thought about the fact that Megan and I had talked about taking Kendall this year.

My online friends are wonderful. They remind me often that I am thought of even though I have not been around for a couple weeks. I have a goal to post or visit the boards at least everyother day now. I think that getting back to some usual things will help. Next I really want to scrap. I did clean off my table that I have just been stacking things on, so now I just have to get started. I guess I am not sure what is going to happen, will I be able to remember and enjoy, or will I fall apart?

We have been invited to the airshow today with some old friends. I have never been, but I guess we are going to try it.

Hugs to everyone.
I love you girls.

Quotes

2007-09-18T12:15:00.000-05:00

When I went to the doctor today we had a long talk. At least I feel like what I am going through is "normal" if there is such a thing as normal anymore. The headaches, nausea and the inability to sleep should start to go away within 6 months, but they are normal. I was really starting to think I was falling apart!

So we will continue, one day at a time.

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.
Anonymous

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976,

September 18th

2007-09-18T07:24:00.000-05:00

I am going to get my final rabies shot today. Yippie.

We went and had lunch with the girls on Sunday. Their headstone is rusting. There is rust coming out from around the flowers and stuff. When I went to talk to them yesterday they said there must have been a mistake made in the manufacturing process, a step left out or something with the final seal. ?? Anyway they are ordering a new one. Makes me sad.

Today is my son's third wedding anniversary. Each year for the kids I google what the gift should be, the traditional/modern gift for each year, and then shop for something that matches that. Last year was cotton, this year was glass or leather.

I don't have much to chat about, a friend mentioned that maybe it is because nothing really seems important anymore. She may be right.
Love you girls.

Today is....

2007-09-13T17:33:00.000-05:00

Today is many things. I have been married for 27 years today. How wonderful it is that I have him. That makes this a good day.

Today Kendall would be 7 months old. She would be starting to crawl and have even more personality. That makes this a bad day.

Tomorrow will be 12 weeks. I talked to an old friend the other day. She lost her son a few years ago. She told me that when I make the 1 year mark it will feel like a victory. I have a long way to go.

I thank God everyday for all those who continue to pray for us. The ones who call just to say "hey I was thinking of you", those that ask "how is today" all the while understanding that it may lead to a lengthy babble, we are so fortunate to have so very many people who are keeping us going.

I miss my girls, I love them so very much.

September 11,2007

2007-09-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

Trisha called and Trek ( he is 4) was reading a book and somehow turned the page in his eye? How could he do that? Anyway it scratched all the way across. The doctor gave him some goop for his eye, an eye patch and tylenol with codeine (sp?) for the pain. Yikes!! Poor kid.

This is him, isn't he a cutie?

Eleven weeks. Sounds like a long time. And yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. I thought I heard Kendall crying last night. When I woke up it took me a few seconds to realize I couldn't have.

My brain still does not function like it should, I can't remember things and I have a hard time focusing, my mind wanders alot. And sometimes it is not even that I am thinking of the girls, I just phase out.

I miss you girls.

2007-09-06T17:32:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a bad day so I went to see the girls last night, took a blanket and just sat out there and talked to them for about an hour. Cried my eyes out and then was able to come home and deal with life. I have no idea what makes some days worse than others.

It was good to visit with my sister and her girls this past weekend. We had a good time, and they are okay with talking about the girls so I don't have to be careful what I say. I still talk about them like they are in the next room sometimes.

As usual the first couple weeks of school have left me exhausted, as they do all teachers. Somehow it is always tough to get back into a routine that gets everything done.

I have a hard time coming home in the afternoons as Megan was always here waiting on me and then Her and Kendall were both here. I would arrive home and give Megan a break from the all day baby workout new moms get. Now I dread coming into an empty house.

I just want to scream to the world that life is Not Fair. I try to realize that many folks already know that as well as I do. I am still seriously considering buying some cheap dishes just so I can go break them. Do you think that is wasteful?

This photo is from Meg's 19th birthday. She is so beautiful.

I love you girls!

10 weeks

2007-08-31T07:24:00.000-05:00

Today is 10 weeks. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and at other times it seems like a lifetime. Why is a question I ask often.

The first week of school is almost over. It has been crazy as usual. Jonathan (my grandson) loves his first grade teacher and he has his first loose tooth.

My sister will be here today, her daughter is in a volleyball tournament here this weekend. It will be a good chance for us to visit.

When I sat down it felt like I had a ton to say, but have not a clue what it was, guess I am off to work. Here's to a great weekend.

Love you girls.

Birthdays

2007-08-29T17:36:00.000-05:00

Well I made it through my birthday and today is Wade's. It is hard to think about the fact that the girls are not here. My kids surprised us last night with a night in the country at a place to shoot clay disks. It was good for stress, that is for sure. They of course kept it a complete secret as usual. They are very good at things like that. I know that Megan would have loved it, the secret and the shooting. She always loved to surprise us.

Megan's friends have kept me in the loop also. They brought me cards and Tonya made me a wonderful serving tray with Megan and Kendall on it. She is so sweet.

School has been keeping me occupied during the day, but when 4 comes around I find that I don't want to come home. The house is empty.

Still waiting for them to install the headstone at the cemetary. The vase did not arrive with it so they are waiting still I think.

I still feel like I am going nuts, doesn't seem that I can talk about that to anybody really. It doesn't even make sense to me.

I miss you both so very much, I love you.

August 25, 2007

2007-08-25T07:46:00.000-05:00

Wow, that was one crazy week. Besides having inservice each day from 8 to 4, I had to skip out to do some other stuff too.

Monday I had to go to the next town and pick up the rabies vaccine from their health department as the health department here did not have it. Then the shots began. Nine shots the first day. The reason they hurt is that they have to be intra-muscular, so they have to go in deep. I was a bit sore. Got the second vaccine on Thursday, but it was just one shot in the arm. Next day is going to be on Monday. I am telling you it is so much fun.

Tuesday we went to court for the probate. The judge was so nice and patient. I still am not sure I understand all the ins and outs of the legal mumbo jumbo, but I have a wonderful attorney taking care of us.

Wednesday was two months. A tough day. They called after lunch to tell us the marker was in. So I left work and met Dh and son out there to look at it. It is beautiful, they did a great job on our special instructions. For the marker to come in on the 22nd, makes you think.

Thursday evening we watched the youngest grandsons so my daughter and her hubby could take the oldest to meet the teacher night. He is so excited to begin first grade! Then we kept them all so they could have their date night, after they left about 10 I got busy on Caden's first birthday cake. I make each one of the grandkids a small bear that they can demolish. So we went to bed late!

Friday was another long day. We had meetings and then after school a get together for the teachers, from there I went to Chuckie Cheese for the birthday party. It was a lot of fun. I feel asleep on the couch about 10 last night, guess I was tired.

Today we begin helping my son and his wife pack up to move, they are supposed to be out of their house by Sunday night.

A friend gave me a book by Elizabeth Edwards to read. She lost a son in a car accident and a quote in her book makes sense to me and helps me make sense of how I feel sometimes. She said that whatever happens to her it she knows she can make it because she has already had the worst day of her life. I agree, I have already been through the worst day of my life, so everything else is small potatos.

Megan and Caden, he turned one yesterday.

I love you girls!

Life is crazy

2007-08-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

Well, it appears that I will be starting rabies shots tomorrow. Since I was bitten by a stray cat on the 14th and there has been no luck at finding it, the doctor says we need to get started. Sounds like tons of fun.

School inservice is going well, we have been getting alot done in prep for the new year.

Lots of rain the last couple days. Made the grass grow again. All the rain we have had has been so wonderful for the yards and parks. Everything is green.

Busy week coming up. Besides starting shots, the probate hearing is on Tuesday, My daugther-in-laws birthday is Wednesday and Caden turns one on Friday.

It has been 8 weeks now, I still re-live the moment many times a day, like a movie playing in my head. I still feel like I go through my day pretending. I miss them so very much. Sometimes I feel them here, sometimes I hear them, sometimes I think I am nuts.

You are both so beautiful. I love you girls.

August 14th, 2007

2007-08-14T15:11:00.001-05:00

We went out to the salvage yard today to see what if anything was in Megan's car. We got her sunglasses and a few other items. The lady was so very nice there. They have her car sealed up with plastic so they had to cut it off and will put it back on again.

Inservice is starting back up so my days have been busy, it helps to keep my mind occupied. Yesterday was a hard day since Kendall would have been 6 months old. What a special age. I called to check on the girl's marker, seems it will still be a while longer before it is shipped.

Trisha and her family have been ill with a stomach virus so I have not seen the boys since Friday. I miss them. Tyler came over for a while yesterday and played, he is growing up so fast.

I love you girls.

Tough Day

2007-08-09T08:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a Worse day. Why? I have no idea. However, when my son called last night he said it was a Worse day too. I could not explain why it was worse, it just was. This morning I still don't think life is great, but at least I can manage.

Another bill came on Tuesday, we are still expecting more, and the insurance is still progressing. Sometimes I want all this paperwork stuff to be done so I don't have to wonder who is calling or what will be in the mail.

I do try to enjoy stuff. The boys spent the night on Tuesday. I took them home about noon yesterday. We stayed up late, and had pancakes for breakfast. They wanted a chance to spend the night before school starts, and we are running outta days.

Here is the first photo of us with all five grandbabies. How wonderful!

And her is Kendall Madison on her first horseback ride. Of course that is Mommy making sure she stays safe.

August 4, 2007

2007-08-04T07:39:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks. I also can't believe that instead of getting easier things are harder.

Megan and Kendall's marker is scheduled to ship on August 10th. I have no idea how long it will actually take to get here.

It rained again yesterday, I cannot remember the last time we had so much rain. Everything is green though. Megan and I would sit on the front porch and watch the rain. If it was chilly we would wrap up in blankets on the bench.

I talked to the mailman the other day. He is so nice, he said that he often talked to Megan and he could not believe that he had just stood on the porch and visited with her on Thursday and then on Friday when he brought the mail he was told she was gone. He had tears in his eyes, he is a very nice man. It just reminds me how wonderful Megan was, she was kind to everyone and always shared her smile. Kendall was so sweet, when you walked into the room she was smiling at you.

This is a photo of Megan and Kendall in the nursery. I painted the circles all over the wall to match her bedding.

I love you girls.

July 30, 2007

2007-07-30T08:25:00.000-05:00

Hi all, We left town for a few days. Everyone kept telling us to just get away and I did feel like if I did not get out of the house I was going to be bonkers, so we left. We talked, we ate, we cried, and I have no clue if it helped at all. Nothing seems real.

I did meet with the DOT, thanks Geri for the encouragment. It is like hitting a brick wall, but we are plugging along. I have a call into the state rep and will see about going from there. The DOT says that it looks at $$$ to decide. I am trying to understand both sides.

I have to say when I arrived home last night I had a package. What a wonderful package. In this package is a mini scrapbook with cards, poems and well wishes from some very wonderful ladies. I can see myself reading it often and finding words to get me through the days. I was thinking last night if these ladies I hardly know are this wonderful to a near stranger how lucky those close to them must be. Words cannot express how much this gift has touched both of us.

This is Megan at her 20th birthday party on June 9th. Her friends threw her a swimming party complete with sombreros. She could not quit talking about how much fun they had. It is a happy memory for me.

A month

2007-07-22T23:32:00.000-05:00

Today was one month. Some moments it seems like yesterday. We had everyone over this evening and Wade made one of Megan's favorite meals. He makes wonderful chinese style food and Megan would always call her friends to come over and eat with us.

It was a tough day. We stayed busy, or tried too, and we talked about the girls. People called and brought over cards, it was a day to remember.

We have a meeting with the department of transportation on Tuesday. I was told they said it is not cost effective to make trucks stop at the intersection and we are proposing that they put up at least a four way stop there. People we don't even know have suggested putting up stop lights. It will be an interesting meeting.

Megan and Kendall are everywhere I look. They are always with me. I know they are. I am hoping that I can live a life that Megan would be proud of.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I take photos all the time. Megan and Kendall, 3 days old.

July 19, 2007

2007-07-19T09:14:00.000-05:00

Holy cow I miss the girls. Seems like everything I do reminds me of them. They were so much a part of my life.

Picked more tomatos last night. Those bushes are so full that they sag to the ground. Sent another dozen home with Grandpa and Wade took a bag to work today. All the rain I guess has them producing tons this year. Some black-eye peas are already ready too. Megan would eat those tomatos off the bush so there are happy memories out there too.

July 17, 2007

2007-07-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

It is a small world. It is amazing how many people you meet that already know someone you know. On top of that it is wonderful how amazing people are. My internet scrapbooking buddies from years ago and from recent times have sent me messages, cards and emails. Each one helps just a little bit more. A man told me today, "I don't know what to say or do to help you.", I told him that he just did, each "I'm sorry", each card, plant, visit etc lets us know that we are not alone and in some way each one helps.

Went to the eye doctor today, he says bifocals! Yikes, we are trying bifocal contact lenses. He says that they only work for about 30% of people so I have my fingers crossed.

I went and bought the Magic CD today. Megan had been waiting for it's release. It is by a new singer and she had marked on her calendar when to go buy it, so I did. We played that song at her service.

Only a month til I have to be back at school. Wonder what will happen when I have to be somewhere everyday.?

Yesterday I went by Taco Villa and got some lunch and went out and ate at the cemetary. I just sat there and talked to Megan and Kendall like they were there.

Love you girls.

July 15, 2007

2007-07-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it seems I think about the wierdest things. Megan's car payment would be due today. She loved that car. It was her bling she said.

Rachel and her mom came by yesterday. They brought the most beautiful glass angel for us. It is called a comfort angel.

We went yesterday and bought a gas powered weed eater so we could go out on the highway and cut the weeds by the crosses for the girls. It was the first time I have been to the scene. The weeds were taller than the crosses.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like I am supposed to act like everything is okay, does that make any sense? But it is not okay, I am not sure anything will ever be okay again. There is a physical pain in my chest, I suppose the shock has worn off and now I have to deal with reality.

Here is a favorite photo. Kendall meeting her cousins. I have so many blessings.

July 13, 2007

2007-07-13T17:29:00.000-05:00

Today Kendall would be 5 months old. I should be taking her next bear picture. It is a hard day.

We are keeping Tyler for the weekend. His parents are in a wedding out of town, they have had it planned for a year.

Jonathan made me the most wonderful drawing last night. It is in two parts that he taped together. The top part is about a foot about the bottom and it is a drawing of two angels. The bottom part is our house and I am standing beside it with him. He said that he knows how much I miss Megan and Kendall so he made me the picture. How sweet.

I was looking at photos today from the last year. Here is a cute one of Megan and Tyler on Halloween.
I miss you both so much. I love you.

Do you think?

2007-07-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

Do you think I will ever wake and not feel like I am hit with a cement block? I mean I know I will always remember, never forget, but will there come a time that it does not hit me like that everytime I wake up? I asked Wade that this morning when we woke up, he understands exactly what I am saying, but he doesn't know the answer either.

I am so lucky to have him. He is there for me no matter what. Yesterday as I left the bank I lost it. I have no idea what triggered it, but I was just crying like crazy. I sat in the car and called him, told him I needed to just talk. He was ready to come get me, but I told him I just needed to talk and settle down. I hope I am a help to him too.

I love you girls.

July 9, 2007

2007-07-09T09:46:00.001-05:00

We stayed up late talking about the girls. We both miss them so much. They were such a big part of my daily life.

I have to get my act together and get some stuff done today. You know like paying bills and such. And I need to go to the store. We need essentials like soap and stuff.

Guess I am just not into babbling this morning. Maybe I will post more later.

July 7, 2007

2007-07-07T08:37:00.000-05:00

Today is a good day. I have been looking at photos of Meg and Kendall. How much joy they brought to us. There are so many good things to think about.

Shannon made me a wonderful shadow box with a photo and the quote from Megan. It is so beautiful. What a wonderful family I have. I am blessed.

Here is the quote:

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont& believe that everything happens for a reason.If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it.Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it!

Look at the bikini I got for Kendall. Too cute!

I love you girls.

July 6, 2007

2007-07-06T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today is a better day.

Finished up with one of the insurance claims, just the car, the other ones are pending. I guess paperwork keeps me busy.

Went to lunch with Shannon and Wendi. That was fun, I can't remember when I went out for lunch last.

The autopsy's came in the mail. I can't open them. Guess I will wait for Wade to get home.

It was strange to be out doing "normal" things today. You know the post office, the bank, the drug store etc.

I am thinking about doing some scrapping, maybe tomorrow.

I love you girls.

July 5, 2007

2007-07-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

We went to my son's in-laws house last night for dinner and to watch fireworks. Each family bought some fireworks so our "display" lasted for nearly two hours. Some small and quite a few large ones. I tried to take some photos, will have to see how they came out.

There was a baby girl there, a couple months old, and after dark she started crying and Trek (he is 4) came running down the road yelling, "Kendall, Kendall is here!". Broke my heart.

Not much else to say today, not a good day. Guess I will have to work on that.

I love you Meg.

July 4th, 2007

2007-07-04T09:51:00.000-05:00

Well I did it. I got my tattoo. It is two hearts, one a bit smaller than the other one, overlapped. I tried to take a photo, but it comes out really dark, might have to try taking one outside. And yes it did hurt. The outline not so much, but when he was "coloring" them in, Ouch. Of course I am a big baby too.

More flowers were delivered yesterday. How wonderful everyone is. Megan and Kendall received around 200 plants and flower arrangements. How wonderful is that?!

Yesterday afternoon I had a thought, I am going to make it. I know that sounds funny, but I don't think I was sure before that.

Took care of more insurance stuff yesterday. They are being so wonderful and patient with me. I am sure they have had to explain stuff ten times.

We talk about Megan and Kendall daily, I miss them so much. When I stand in the nursery I have such happy thoughts. I found Megan's jacket that she wore a couple weeks ago. It smells like her.

Here is a wonderful photo of Kendall. She was so happy.

July 3, 2007

2007-07-03T08:15:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite photos. Megan's first Mothers Day.

So here is my first post. Who knows what I might have to say or how often I might say it. I know that I relive that day hundreds of times each waking moment. People tell me that I should take one day at a time, actually it is one minute at a time. How can this be real?

Everyone has been wonderful. The outpouring of love from everyone we know and even some we don't has been wonderful. Megan and Kendall touched so very many lives. Megan was beautiful inside and out. She was always kind to anyone she met.

I am going to call the tattoo man today. I am going to have a tattoo in memory of Megan and Kendall. It is my first and yes I am scared it will hurt. Her circle of friends are going to have one done too.