Sarah came to see me! Megan's friend Sarah was in town for her birthday and she called me up and we went to lunch. Oh my it was wonderful. I so enjoyed visiting with her and catching up. We are hoping we can see each other again over the holidays. College is going well for her and she looks wonderful. She made my week!

I cleaned Kendall's room yesterday. Things you don't think of, I did her laundry, it was still in the hamper (nothing gross).....dusted her room......

Today the plan was to clean Megan's room, it is so dusty in there, but I keep finding "other" things to do instead.....I know I should do her laundry too.......

Tomorrow I am going to bake---I missed that last year.

I love you girls

I added music! Yea for me. Learned something new.

The holidays are coming--working on that.

Went with Trisha to register for Megan Lea's baby shower. We had a good time. Can't wait till that baby girl gets here.

Madison is crawling! She is too cute. The boys all love her.

Hugs to everyone.

I love you girls.

And the holidays are coming around again. Last year I think I just survived them, this year I am going to have to actually live through them. The numb is gone and I have to feel again. I really don't want to.

Some things I have been learning:

I will have emotional highs, lows, ups and downs. I wish everyone would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I should be committed.

I wish everyone would not expect my grief to be over. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but will forevermore be a "recovering bereaved parent".

I wish everyone was not afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived, was important and I need to hear her name.

I wish that if I cry or get emotional you would know that it is not because you have hurt me, the fact that my child died caused the tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you.

My Blessings:

I love you girls.

pumpkin patch

Madison Renay

It has been 16 months now. Some days it seems like yesterday and some days it feels like forever. We attended a compassionate friends meeting the other day. It was good, but hard too. One of the men said it is a group you hope to never join, and I agree. We are working on starting a chapter here now. Here is a poem I got from there:

I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk.
So Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others, I won't shy away,
because I want to hear what you have to say.

Your child has died...and you need to be heard,
but they don't want to hear a single word.
They tell you your childs "with God, so be strong"
They say all the "right" things, that somehow seem so wrong.

They're just hurting for you and trying to say,
they would give anything to talk your pain away.
But they are struggling with feelings they cannot understand
so forgive them for not offering a helping hand.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry...and be glad if you smile.
I won't critize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen, 'til your night turns to morn.

Yes, they journey is hard and unbearably long,
and I know that you think you are not quite that strong.
So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare.
And I know how it hurts friend, for I have been there.

You see, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
for not long ago I was helped the same way.
As I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal
So believe when I say I know how you feel.

It is true that talking to someone who knows is helpful. Maybe one day we can be strong for someone else who has to live this nightmare.

I love you girls.

We went to see the girls this morning. Had to remove their flowers and stuff for the clean-up week. We will go back next weekend to put the new flowers we bought today and the halloween decor. I found the cutest black cat with a mask, Megan would love it. I can't help but think about how much fun she would have picking a costume for Kendall.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you girls. I love you.

What is wrong with me today? It is not a special date, but I am a mess. Tears forming in my eyes at the drop of a hat. Finally got home and sat down and just bawled. I miss them so very much.

Took the boys to the St Anns fair this past Saturday, it is our annual outing. Kendall should have been playing the toddler games this year. We had a great time and the boys love going. We went to Gatti's for lunch afterwards and had a blast there too.

Madison is going to be crawling any day now. She is just too cute.

Trisha had her 3-d sonogram done yesterday. She said that Megan Lea is short :) ! Trisha has lost 11 pounds since her last appointment so the doctor put her on a new medicine.

I love you girls