I am here. I have been journaling in a book and so I was not posting, but I am here. There are still days I wish I could just fall off the world and some days that I feel like I have. I have been told that 3 to 5 years of that is "normal", holy cow I hate that word.

There have been so many hurdles to get through this spring, we had to file Megan's taxes--who would have thought, but you have too, it was a very hard thing to do. The lawsuit with the trucking company has finally been settled, what a bunch of hooey.

Baseball has started up again. Megan loved baseball. I am so glad we took her to a real game. I still remember how excited she was. Jonathan is playing again and I go to the games, they even have memories for me since I took Kendall to every game with me last year.

I feel like the rollar coaster is coming full force now. Mother's Day is going to be a shocker, I keep thinking about last year when we talked about the fact that all of my children were parents. Megan was so excited that she was a mom. Then around the corner is Megan's birthday and then the most awful day of the year is looming. My support group is wonderful. They are here for me.

It seems like everything I do is connected somehow and although I seem to be getting through it more evenly, I just keep wondering when it will quit hitting me in the head sometimes full force, and sometimes with no warning. The counselor calls that an ambush, and says there is nothing you can do about it, just cry it out. The group I was attending had one discussion that said there may be days that you just decide to not get out of bed, I am afraid to do that because if I let myself do it once, I am not sure I would ever decide to get back up.

Family and friends keep me going, the occasional phone call or email that says "just thinking of you" helps so much. The fact that I have a few co-workers that are just there when I have tears in my eyes, I am so very blessed to have so very many people to care.

I love you girls.