pumpkin patch

Madison Renay

It has been 16 months now. Some days it seems like yesterday and some days it feels like forever. We attended a compassionate friends meeting the other day. It was good, but hard too. One of the men said it is a group you hope to never join, and I agree. We are working on starting a chapter here now. Here is a poem I got from there:

I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk.
So Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others, I won't shy away,
because I want to hear what you have to say.

Your child has died...and you need to be heard,
but they don't want to hear a single word.
They tell you your childs "with God, so be strong"
They say all the "right" things, that somehow seem so wrong.

They're just hurting for you and trying to say,
they would give anything to talk your pain away.
But they are struggling with feelings they cannot understand
so forgive them for not offering a helping hand.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry...and be glad if you smile.
I won't critize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen, 'til your night turns to morn.

Yes, they journey is hard and unbearably long,
and I know that you think you are not quite that strong.
So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare.
And I know how it hurts friend, for I have been there.

You see, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
for not long ago I was helped the same way.
As I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal
So believe when I say I know how you feel.

It is true that talking to someone who knows is helpful. Maybe one day we can be strong for someone else who has to live this nightmare.

I love you girls.

We went to see the girls this morning. Had to remove their flowers and stuff for the clean-up week. We will go back next weekend to put the new flowers we bought today and the halloween decor. I found the cutest black cat with a mask, Megan would love it. I can't help but think about how much fun she would have picking a costume for Kendall.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you girls. I love you.

What is wrong with me today? It is not a special date, but I am a mess. Tears forming in my eyes at the drop of a hat. Finally got home and sat down and just bawled. I miss them so very much.

Took the boys to the St Anns fair this past Saturday, it is our annual outing. Kendall should have been playing the toddler games this year. We had a great time and the boys love going. We went to Gatti's for lunch afterwards and had a blast there too.

Madison is going to be crawling any day now. She is just too cute.

Trisha had her 3-d sonogram done yesterday. She said that Megan Lea is short :) ! Trisha has lost 11 pounds since her last appointment so the doctor put her on a new medicine.

I love you girls

My children are wonderful. They (along with Wade) bought me a new camera for my birthday. They bought me a Canon Rebel, but gave me the receipt also so I could trade if I wanted to. I played with it and talked to a few people and I did trade it. I got a Sony, it is more point and shoot, but has all the lenses also--kind of an inbetween if there is one. I love it. I love the zoom and the motion and it has an amazing night/dusk feature.

I am having a hard day today. Why? couldn't tell ya, but it is one of those up-down emotion days. Megan was in my dreams last night. She was helping me clean house. How weird is that. We were having such a good time. She was carrying Kendall around with her.

We celebrated our 28th anniversary last week. We had the whole family over and some friends. It was good.

Shannon has been coming over to work on the kid's scrapbooks, that has been good for me as it allows me to scrap without becoming overwhelmed.

I love you girls

It's a girl!

So much goes on, I still "journal" in my head, but seldom make it to the computer. Here are some happenings!

It's a girl. Yep, Trisha is having a girl. She has three boys and number four is a girl. How exciting. She is due in Feburary (near Kendall's birthday) and they are naming her Megan Lee. (Megan, well for Megan and Lee is for Brent's sister who died in a car accident 11 years ago) How wonderful that we will have two little girls with such wonderful namesakes. ( you remember that Madison Renay was named using Kendall and Megan's middle names)

Madison and Megan will be less than a year apart in age and will be loved by all. How wonderful that they will have a friend among all those boys. :) Life is amazing.

School has started (with the kids) this week. Somehow the first week of school is exhausting for everyone. No matter how much sleep or rest or how ready you are, parents, student and teachers are tired! I have been in bed by or before 9 all week.

Jonathan and Trek had their first day of school. They are so very excited about going to school together. Here they are on the first day of school.

Our birthday's ( mine and Wade's) were this week. Oh my gosh I was not ready for how hard that would be. As we talked, I guess we figured out that last year we were still in shock and sort of numb, but this year it was hard to face that Megan and Kendall were not here. So very many birthday memories and they all included Megan, Trisha and Christopher, giving us birthday surprises, it was a very hard day.

It made me remember the lady (she had lost a child years ago) who told me shortly after the accident that I would have to hang on because if I thought the first year was hard I was in for a shock because the second year is worse. Ya know, I think she was right. I guess the first year you are just trying to survive, and maybe the second you have to learn how to live again? I really have no clue.

To all of you who are always here for me, thank you. You are more help than you can ever imagine.

I love you girls.

I still miss you

There is a new song (new to me anyway) It fits, here is the chorus:

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you

It is exactly how I feel. There are some days that I think I will never be okay.

Love you girls