Silence

I have been struggling with how to put into words where I am now. I still hurt daily and I have the knowledge that no matter how much someone cares, they just cannot understand where I am and how I feel. And I pray that they never have to.
I received an email today called The Sounds Of Silence. It was written by some parents who lost their 22 year old son six years ago. If it has been six years for them, I guess I know that this is forever. I changed the names in his letter, but here it is.
The sounds of silence are everywhere—it is the silent pain of the loss of our daughter and granddaughter, it is the silence of our home because one of our children is gone, and it is the silence of the sudden quiet that comes over people when we mention Megan and Kendall.
We have become both better and worse in the two years since Megan and Kendall died. We are better because we are able to get on with our lives and even enjoy ourselves occasionally. We have gotten worse because, as the years go by, we feel their loss more deeply.
We feel their loss every time we participate in a celebration marking some milestone of our friends and relatives or their children. We feel the loss because any celebrations of our own will always be incomplete—two people will always be absent and not there to celebrate with us or to enjoy their own milestones. The pain of their absence is always present at these events.
When Megan and Kendall died, the pain of their loss was a sharp acute screaming pain that tore a hole inside of us. Now, the pain is a silent quiet steady pain. The hole is still inside us, covered by a scar, but it is still there. It only screams out loud sometimes now and more often just remains as a quiet steady and never-ending ache and sadness—a silent pain.
The silence of our home is a different kind of quiet. By now, if Megan and Kendall had lived, they may have been out on their own. We might have been “empty nesters” anyway. But, when a home becomes empty because of the death of a child, it is a different kind of empty nest. Trisha and Christopher are married and out on their own, the way it should be. But, Megan and Kendall are gone for a different reason.
So, the silence of our empty nest is not the silence of knowing we raised three children and now they are out leading their own lives. Instead it is the silence of a home that is empty because one child is gone forever—of having to deal with the reality that phone calls only come from two children, not three; that only two children stop by for a visit, not three; that one child is forever gone from the nest. There is a silence in our home that often seems to pervade every space. It is a sad silence, not the temporary quiet of a happy home.
And then, there is the silence of relatives and friends when we talk about Megan and Kendall—not about their death but about the things they did while alive. It is as if Megan and Kendall have become a forbidden topic because they died, as if their death wiped out the 22 years, or 4 months they did live. It occurs when a relative whispers that our daughter and granddaughter died when someone asked how they were—like their life and what happened to them was a big secret. It occurs when people suddenly get a funny look on their faces and don’t know what to say next when you mention something about Megan and Kendall. It occurs when you get the feeling that people want to avoid you because you remind them of a horror that could happen to anyone. It is a silence that reminds you that your emotions and feelings are different from that of others and that you will always have to live with the sounds of Silence resulting from your child’s death.

I miss you girls.

Well,I guess the beach updates got lost in the shuffle of life, but that is okay. We had a grand time and are already planning for next year. Here are couple of photos:

Man it is hot outside! Kinda makes you just want to stay indoors and veg out. We had Brent's b-day this weekend. Wade grilled trout and we had lots of food! It must have been good, because there wasn't really anything leftover. When we started lighting the candles on the cake, Tyler started singing happy birthday, so about the time he finished the song, the neighbor boy who was here just blew out the candles! LOL It was too funny, we had to light them again and sing for Brent to blow them out. ( You may of had to be here to understand how funny this was?)

I Love you Girls

I am home! Yea. I was in Dallas for 6 days and then Atlanta for 5 more. It feels good to be home. We learned some new strategies to use in the classroom and explored in the evenings. Dallas, well it is just Dallas. We did get some shopping in, stores that we don't have here at home and that was fun. We went to various restaurants, but did not really eat anything that was wonderful which was sort of disappointing, as we went to places like P.F. Chang's and pappadeaux, but the food was just so-so.

Our hotel was kind of cool. We stayed at the Hotel Lawrence in downtown Dallas. http://www.hotellawrencedallas.com/ It was built in 1925 and has been "restored" (lots of it is still old). The elevator (yes just one) was iffy, but staying on the 8th floor it was my friend as the stairwell was skinny and not air conditioned. The reviews for the most part are not good and most of them are true, the photos for the hotel are a bit misleading, so when you arrive you are a bit shell shocked. However, the shower was amazing. It has a shower head and the a shower bar that goes across the middle.

Next off to Atlanta. We stayed a the Hyatt Regency Peachtree,

http://atlantaregency.hyatt.com/hyatt/hotels/index.jsp

It was okay.....not that it was not nice, but not as "nice" as we expected it to be. And on top of that at the cheap hotels you get free Internet, not here! $12.95 a day. Yikes. So much for getting on the computer, so I have not checked my mail for a week. (still haven't, doing that next). Anyway in Atlanta we worked all day, but then we had dinner and we went to the attractions. The Atlanta Aquarium is worth your money, it would be an amazing place for kids, lots of hands on stuff, even touching animals in the water. http://www.georgiaaquarium.org/

Then there is the World of Coca Cola. That was a visit worth the money! http://www.worldofcoca-cola.com/ Besides regular museum stuff, they also have an interactive 4d movie and a tasting room with all 64 varieties of drinks they make around the world. ( I can not imagine tasting all 64 of them).

But of course there is the food. The food in Dallas was just okay, the food we had here was amazing. The first night was Benihanas, it was wonderful, we looked at each other and all said oh yea! good food. We also ate at Rays In The City. It is a seafood place and the fried green tomato's were fab! I had Parmesan crusted scallops with risotto. Yummy. If you are ever in Atlanta you should go. http://www.raysrestaurants.com/ We also ate at Mary Macs Tea Room. It is an out of the way local place that we learned about from our Taxi driver. It was one of those places that you are glad you discovered. http://www.marymacs.com/ It is great food, black eye peas, turnip greens, catfish, fried chicken etc. etc. etc. all made fresh.

More beach tomorrow........ ( I know I am slow).....

I love you girls.