Saturday, December 13, 2008

Thanksgiving turned out to be a beautiful day. We took family photos as always. Remember last year we took them in the snow! How fun that was. We enjoyed the day and remembered the girls. In the photo you see some of our many blessings.

Trisha's baby shower was last weekend. It was lovely. How wonderful that we have that new baby girl to look forward to.

We had the first meeting of our compassionate friends chapter. Our charter was approved and we are getting organized. This weekend is the Memorial Candle Lighting. As one dad told me, you never want to be a member, but it is wonderful that we have others to talk to.

I am working really hard on finding that happy place. The hole in my life has been very prominent in the past weeks. I am told this is "normal" for the stage that I am in. I really do not like the word "normal" anymore.

I love you girls.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Sarah came to see me! Megan's friend Sarah was in town for her birthday and she called me up and we went to lunch. Oh my it was wonderful. I so enjoyed visiting with her and catching up. We are hoping we can see each other again over the holidays. College is going well for her and she looks wonderful. She made my week!

I cleaned Kendall's room yesterday. Things you don't think of, I did her laundry, it was still in the hamper (nothing gross).....dusted her room......

Today the plan was to clean Megan's room, it is so dusty in there, but I keep finding "other" things to do instead.....I know I should do her laundry too.......

Tomorrow I am going to bake---I missed that last year.

I love you girls

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I added music! Yea for me. Learned something new.

The holidays are coming--working on that.

Went with Trisha to register for Megan Lea's baby shower. We had a good time. Can't wait till that baby girl gets here.

Madison is crawling! She is too cute. The boys all love her.

Hugs to everyone.

I love you girls.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

And the holidays are coming around again. Last year I think I just survived them, this year I am going to have to actually live through them. The numb is gone and I have to feel again. I really don't want to.

Some things I have been learning:

I will have emotional highs, lows, ups and downs. I wish everyone would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I should be committed.

I wish everyone would not expect my grief to be over. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but will forevermore be a "recovering bereaved parent".

I wish everyone was not afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived, was important and I need to hear her name.

I wish that if I cry or get emotional you would know that it is not because you have hurt me, the fact that my child died caused the tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you.
My Blessings:

I love you girls.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Saturday, October 25, 2008

It has been 16 months now. Some days it seems like yesterday and some days it feels like forever. We attended a compassionate friends meeting the other day. It was good, but hard too. One of the men said it is a group you hope to never join, and I agree. We are working on starting a chapter here now. Here is a poem I got from there:
I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk.
So Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others, I won't shy away,
because I want to hear what you have to say.

Your child has died...and you need to be heard,
but they don't want to hear a single word.
They tell you your childs "with God, so be strong"
They say all the "right" things, that somehow seem so wrong.

They're just hurting for you and trying to say,
they would give anything to talk your pain away.
But they are struggling with feelings they cannot understand
so forgive them for not offering a helping hand.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry...and be glad if you smile.
I won't critize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen, 'til your night turns to morn.

Yes, they journey is hard and unbearably long,
and I know that you think you are not quite that strong.
So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare.
And I know how it hurts friend, for I have been there.

You see, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
for not long ago I was helped the same way.
As I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal
So believe when I say I know how you feel.

It is true that talking to someone who knows is helpful. Maybe one day we can be strong for someone else who has to live this nightmare.
I love you girls.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

We went to see the girls this morning. Had to remove their flowers and stuff for the clean-up week. We will go back next weekend to put the new flowers we bought today and the halloween decor. I found the cutest black cat with a mask, Megan would love it. I can't help but think about how much fun she would have picking a costume for Kendall.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you girls. I love you.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What is wrong with me today? It is not a special date, but I am a mess. Tears forming in my eyes at the drop of a hat. Finally got home and sat down and just bawled. I miss them so very much.

Took the boys to the St Anns fair this past Saturday, it is our annual outing. Kendall should have been playing the toddler games this year. We had a great time and the boys love going. We went to Gatti's for lunch afterwards and had a blast there too.

Madison is going to be crawling any day now. She is just too cute.

Trisha had her 3-d sonogram done yesterday. She said that Megan Lea is short :) ! Trisha has lost 11 pounds since her last appointment so the doctor put her on a new medicine.

I love you girls

Sunday, September 21, 2008

My children are wonderful. They (along with Wade) bought me a new camera for my birthday. They bought me a Canon Rebel, but gave me the receipt also so I could trade if I wanted to. I played with it and talked to a few people and I did trade it. I got a Sony, it is more point and shoot, but has all the lenses also--kind of an inbetween if there is one. I love it. I love the zoom and the motion and it has an amazing night/dusk feature.

I am having a hard day today. Why? couldn't tell ya, but it is one of those up-down emotion days. Megan was in my dreams last night. She was helping me clean house. How weird is that. We were having such a good time. She was carrying Kendall around with her.

We celebrated our 28th anniversary last week. We had the whole family over and some friends. It was good.

Shannon has been coming over to work on the kid's scrapbooks, that has been good for me as it allows me to scrap without becoming overwhelmed.

I love you girls

Saturday, August 30, 2008

It's a girl!

So much goes on, I still "journal" in my head, but seldom make it to the computer. Here are some happenings!

It's a girl. Yep, Trisha is having a girl. She has three boys and number four is a girl. How exciting. She is due in Feburary (near Kendall's birthday) and they are naming her Megan Lee. (Megan, well for Megan and Lee is for Brent's sister who died in a car accident 11 years ago) How wonderful that we will have two little girls with such wonderful namesakes. ( you remember that Madison Renay was named using Kendall and Megan's middle names)
Madison and Megan will be less than a year apart in age and will be loved by all. How wonderful that they will have a friend among all those boys. :) Life is amazing.
School has started (with the kids) this week. Somehow the first week of school is exhausting for everyone. No matter how much sleep or rest or how ready you are, parents, student and teachers are tired! I have been in bed by or before 9 all week.

Jonathan and Trek had their first day of school. They are so very excited about going to school together. Here they are on the first day of school.

Our birthday's ( mine and Wade's) were this week. Oh my gosh I was not ready for how hard that would be. As we talked, I guess we figured out that last year we were still in shock and sort of numb, but this year it was hard to face that Megan and Kendall were not here. So very many birthday memories and they all included Megan, Trisha and Christopher, giving us birthday surprises, it was a very hard day.

It made me remember the lady (she had lost a child years ago) who told me shortly after the accident that I would have to hang on because if I thought the first year was hard I was in for a shock because the second year is worse. Ya know, I think she was right. I guess the first year you are just trying to survive, and maybe the second you have to learn how to live again? I really have no clue.

To all of you who are always here for me, thank you. You are more help than you can ever imagine.

I love you girls.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I still miss you

There is a new song (new to me anyway) It fits, here is the chorus:

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you

It is exactly how I feel. There are some days that I think I will never be okay.

Love you girls

Friday, August 8, 2008

Well I started back to work today. I took a new position, I am math department chair at one of the junior high schools. It is going to be a change for me, which I think will be good. We kept Tyler and Madison tonight while Christopher and Shannon went to a wedding. Madison is sleeping and Tyler is still up watching Noggin.

I uploaded photos tonight and here a few from Vegas.

This is Wade's dad with some of the cast from the Sirens of TI.

I was following on the way down the strip.

This is one of the lions at MGM. It is kinda blurry since you have to see them through 3 inches of glass. Hmmmm wonder why? I love cats, big and small.

And tonight here is Ms. Maddie:

How wonderful it is that I am blessed with my family and friends.

I miss you girls. I love you

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Why does it seem that talking about Megan and Kendall freaks everyone out? Sometimes it is like I say one of their names and suddenly everyone is quiet and uncomfortable. I'm not upset or crying or anything at these times, it is just a normal conversation and suddenly the air stops. Like a conversation about a teacher that someone was asking about and I said "You will love her, she was Megan's first grade teacher, she is so sweet" and suddenly no one wants to continue the conversation. In a way I want to just tell everyone that they are real, they are not someone I made up in my mind, they are not my imaginary friends, they are real. It is okay to talk about them. Guess that is my gripe for the day.

I love you girls

Monday, August 4, 2008

Las Vegas

We are home. Vegas was great. We had a good time. We talked about Megan alot, the things she would love and the places she would have gone. I did not realize how much this trip would affect me. As the plane started to take off suddenly I had tears streaming down my face, I had been in a grumpy mood for a couple of days and Wade wondered why I was not excited about leaving, I had no explanation for him, but when the tears began we both knew. Somewhere in my head I knew that Megan was supposed to be coming with us.

It is good to be home, have the laundry going and about 200 emails to check. I will post some photos later.

I love you girls.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I kept the kids yesterday while Shannon when to a wedding shower. We had a great time. Tyler played in the hot tub, (he calls it a bath tub) and Madison was swinging on the patio. She loves that swing. They wound up staying for the day and Wade made us crab legs and scallops for dinner. Yummy.
Trisha is still at the beach. They are having a good time. We are going to Vegas next week. In a way it has been planned for years, we were going to take Megan this summer since she turned 21 in June, so it will be a memory for us as well as a getaway before school starts.
I miss you girls.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Long Post

You know I post in my mind every night. Doesn't make sense huh? I mean I think about the day and what I would say, I just never get around to putting it in type. Sometimes I feel like it is just too down to write and other times I just don't get on the computer.

Fun News:
We got a hot tub. It was suggested for stress so we went shopping. Got a good deal and it is wonderful. We have sat in it every night and it really is relaxing. From there to shower and bed makes it easier to fall asleep. It is a 6-7 person tub with a waterfall and LED lights. Kinda cool. The kids think it is great and the grandkids think it is a pool.

Family News:
Trisha and her family are gone again. This time to the beach. I miss them when they are away. I got the boys a new webkinz to give to them when they get back. Trisha's first doctor's appointment is on the 1st. She is feeling pretty good.
Christopher and his family are doing good. Madison is growing so very fast. Tyler is learning to play games with others (like candy land etc...)

We have been having a rough time of it lately. Neither of us can explain why, it just is.

A couple weeks ago when we went to see the girls we found that they had somehow made two huge ruts in their grave. It appeared that they had been backing something (we think a trailer) through the area and when they hit that spot it sunk into the ground. Now we know that they must use large tractors etc in their jobs, but we really felt like they should have done something about the holes they left. They stopped when they sank and drove back forward, but left these without filling them or anything. They were about 9 inches deep on each end. Well my FIL filled them in with dirt and put some grass on them the best he could and he told them in the office about it. So we went back a few days later and I was cleaning off the headstone and realized that the vase was bent (keep in mind it is made of solid bronze) and lopsided. Apparently they ran over the girls' flower vase with something and did not bother to tell anyone. This time I went to the office, no one was there, so I went back at 8 the next morning. I asked for the manager (I had heard that there was a new one) and waited for him. He said that someone should have called and told us that they damaged the vase and they would order one and call and let me know when it would arrive. I then also told him about the "holes" and he said he had no knowledge of them and I told him that it was reported to the office. He said they would take care of it. A couple days later when I went out the holes had been filled in with nice dirt and it looks good, so I stopped by the office to tell them thanks and ask if the vase was ordered. He said oh I thought we called you. It will be in next week and we will call. Guess what? They didn't call again, when I went by today it was there. I stopped in the office and she said oh did you see the new vase, I said yes, but you never called.

I love you girls

Friday, July 4, 2008

scrapping again

Well I have gotten back to actually scrapping. As in I have finished 8 pages in the last day and a half. Yea! (in addition to the bear books.). What are bear books? For each grandchild I have taken a photo on the day they come home from the hospital and then one each month for their first year. I then have made a book (8 x 8) for them. Each 2 page "layout" has a paper pieced bear with the monthly theme and the month on the left page, then the right page has their photo with the bear and a quote along with their current age. The boys love to look at their books and it is awesome to see how they grew the first year in each book.

Been a rough couple days, don't really know why. Guess I will never really be expecting those days, they just come along.

Trisha and her family are at the lake with her in laws, they will be home Sunday night. I miss them when they are gone. I am so lucky that I get to see them everyday. Christopher and his family came for dinner last night. We cooked out hot dogs and sat on the patio until dark thirty just talking. It was great. I bought the wonder pets beanie babies for Tyler, he is so cute. Ming Ming is his favorite.

Yes the wii fit is funny sometimes. I want to comment back to her sometimes. But it is fun and I think it does benefit me.

Hugs to you all and have a great weekend.
Love you girls.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I'm here. Made it through the week. It's kinda ironic that I think memories are so wonderful and important, yet at the same time they cripple me too. It is getting better though. I can see that I will have a "new normal", the question is when. I think for everyone it is different. I have talked with four other people who lost children in an accident now, and the time frames are a bit different. Although they all say it will never be okay. Still reading, have another line that I realize is true. "If you are waiting for me to get back to my old self you will be disappointed, I will never be the same, I will be a new person, I hope you will wait to see if you still like me".

I scrapped a page this week, Made Caden's bear book, and with the help of a friend got the paper to finish Kendall's bear book. I have been trying to get back into life, one step at a time.

I bought a Wiifit yesterday. Did not have time to get it all set up yet, but am planning that for today. It was an implus buy. They just got in a shipment at Sams and I thought "why not". It sounds really neat. I think the yoga exercises might be soothing. We will see.

Trisha took the boys to see the Critter Expo at the Science Spectrum yesterday. They emailed me this photo last night. Sounds like they had a great time.
Miss you girls.

Friday, June 20, 2008

It is raining this morning. Yea!

I took the boys bowling yesterday. Then we went to Chuckie Cheese for lunch. We had a great time and they played and ate and played some more. It was a good day for all of us.

Went and picked out flowers for Megan and Kendall. I chose a variety of different flowers in different shades of pink.

This is the most awful week. I keep remembering, "last year on this day we were....." and last year we were planning............. I was told that the anniversary would be terrible, they were right.

I met with a lady this week who was involved with compassionate friends when there was a chapter here years ago. She lost two children 11 years and 20 years ago. She told me that although I will always cry, that I will learn to go on. She also told me that the second year is worse than the first. It is good to talk to a survivor.

I miss you girls.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Ahhhh..................more proof that I am blessed. Trisha called last night. They are expecting a baby. How wonderful. I can't wait.

More about the beach. The elevator made sure life was interesting. When we first arrived it did not work. Now think about the fact that we were on the 5th floor. The lady by the pool and the man we met on the stairs said it had been out of order since the day before. Yikes. I called the rental agency and they said they would try to call someone, but since it was the weekend they did not know if they could. Not okay with me so I called the building owner (the number was on the building) and they had a "press 16 if this call cannot wait until our next business hours" so I did and told them that I could not wait two days for an elevator. Guess what? They were there in about an hour and had it up and going a short time later. Yea!

So on Monday we were headed out to the beach, I was going down with Shannon, Christopher, Tyler and the baby. As we held the door for the stroller Tyler walked under our arms, we turned around and he was gone. Now there was no where to go, we were the only ones on the top floor, but there was the elevator. Now since it makes no sounds (no dings or chimes, I will explain later) we did not know that he pushed the button and it opened right up, like in seconds. Christopher took the stairs, we took the elevator, met a man that said he thought he heard someone calling "mommy" on the 2nd floor, so off we went. we actually found him on the 3rd floor, standing in the hallway waiting. Oh my gosh! It was really only a minute, but it felt like forever.

Go ahead to Tuesday night. We are sitting at the pool, all of us, and Trisha says she is going to run up and use the restroom. We are talking, the kids are swimming and then we realize Trisha has not returned. We said oh, hope the elevator did not quit again. Shannon said it scared her sometimes because it acts funny, and we all agreed that we hoped we did not get stuck. Then a man comes out to the pool looking for Brent. He said that Brent's wife was stuck in the elevator on the 3rd floor. Oh my! Christopher and I took the stairs. Trisha was in there all right. Now the phone did work---it called a center that gave you a recording to wait on hold if there was an emergency. She waited and the lady that came on told her that she could push the alarm button to alert people that she was in the elevator, nope did not work, then there is a call button that is supposed to drop you to the nearest floor and open the door, nope did not work, there is a chime button, nope did not work. She said the lady said she would try to send someone soon. I called the rental place, he said oh I will try to contact someone. I called the building owner, pushed 16 again to leave a message. No luck so far, the man who had just happened to be returning from dinner and had to take the stairs to his 4th floor and had just by luck heard Trisha in there went to his car and got a crow bar. The rental place called back and said the fire department was on the way, the man pried open the door (by the way no fan in there either) and we got Trisha out and here was the fire department. They have a cool key that was supposed to open the door, nope did not work---and here came the elevator guy. Yes I got a photo of the fire truck! :)

So the next day I called the building company and told the lady that I felt they should know that the alarm etc did not work on their elevator, they passed me right along to the manager who told me that yes it all did work, I told him nope and he said yes he knew it did because someone was just trapped in there and got out. I told him that was my daughter and that I knew the stuff did not work because I was there. He then said oh well they elevator had been vandalized a week or so ago and they were going to fix it. Wade said they probably have to now because the fire department keeps records.

How is that for a long post? :0

love you girls.

Monday, June 16, 2008

I don't think I really expected to feel so much this week. It is like the weight is back on my chest and I cannot breathe. I know it is the calendar looming over me. I am reliving that morning over and over again. That part had faded, it was not a daily review in my mind and now that is back. Him asking "Are you Mrs. Bryant?" me replying not with an answer to his question, but with a "who's hurt?".
him: " Do you have a daughter named Megan?"
me: "where is she, lets go"
him: "I am sorry ma'am, she did not make it"
me: not breathing, "Where is the baby?"
him: " I'm sorry I understand neither one of them made it"
me: screaming
After that I have few memories of what happened for a couple of weeks. There are bits and parts, and people have told me things, guess that is how your body survives.

I am back to survival, one day at a time. I know Megan and Kendall are watching over us, I know that she sends us signs that she is there. I know she is telling me that they are okay.

I love you girls.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Megan's 21st birthday

We went to the beach to celebrate Megan's birthday as a family so on Friday before we left we took her red roses. We had friends and family then that took out balloons and party stuff on Monday the 9th.

We just got home tonight from the beach. It was wonderful. We all went, since Megan loved the beach. My sister took helium and on Monday the 9th we released pink balloons in the air, drew happy birthday megan in the sand and had cake. We talked and remembered and we know she would be having a grand time.

Megan and Kendall are my angels. I love you girls.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Oh by the way Madison Renay is my son's new daughter she was born on April 10th. What a wonderful blessing.

They named her after the girls. Megan Renay and Kendall Madison. How wonderful that she has such namesakes.
Still hot, Like 106 yesterday and supposed to be 107 today. Yikes. Just working on cleaning off my desk. I am working on doing some scrapping. Which is a good thing.
Here is a photo of Madison Renay at one month. She is just so cute!
I love you girls

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Jeepers it has been hot here. 102 yesterday and supposed to be 105 today. Yikes. Yesterday morning the transformer blew at about 6:40 am so we got ready for work in the dark, no hair dryer, no coffee, nothing. Called the electric company and they said they would have it up and running by 9am. Got home just before 5 and guess what, because I have not put my key back on my keychain, I could not get in because the electricity was still off! Garage door openers do not work without it! Checked every window---all locked, good for us huh? So called electric again and they said by 7 at the latest. Went to Barnes and Nobles with a friend to walk around where it was cool so I could wait to get in my house. Crazy huh?

Only a week till we leave for the beach. I am looking forward to it.

It is still hard for me to believe my new reality.
I love you girls.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Been a crazy three days. Jonathan put his hand/arm through the window from the backyard last night. He received 15 stitches in three areas at the emergency room. He was pretty brave though. Poor guy. His ball game was tonight and they won again! 9-1 He did not get to play of course, but he did help me keep score and cheered on his team. They play for the championship on Thursday night yippiee!!
I went to see the girls at lunch today. Sat and talked to Megan and Kendall while I ate. It is so hot here now, in the triple digits the last two days.
I am going to see about having a shirt made for the beach/Megan's birthday. Everyone wants one.
I miss you girls

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The kids and Wade went in together and bought me a charm bracelet for Mother's Day. They each gave me a charm that had meaning and then also the double heart for Megan and Kendall. Yesterday we went to the mall and Wade chose two more charms for me. The mother daughter one and a heart that will have M on one side and K on the other.

Sarah, Sara and Rachel came to see me this week. How wonderful to see them. We just sat and talked about memories. It was awesome.

School will be out soon, lucky for me that I have inservice many times this summer, I think it will help keep me busy. I am afraid of what would happen if I had nothing I HAD to do.

Jonathan's tournament for little league started last night. It was great. They won their game 21 to 7. So we continue on in the tournament. We play again on Tuesday.

Roxie is doing well, (the cat that swallowed the stamp) so is eating again and acting sorta of like herself.

The beach is coming up soon. I need to make a list of things so I won't forget them and I need to make plans for Megan's birthday.

I love you girls.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day

Here it is the day I have been dreading. Funny huh? I love being a mom, it has been the most rewarding, exciting part of my life. Yet, today is bitter sweet. Last year Megan was so happy to have joined the "moms" of life, and this year she is missing. In addition, I am missing one of my own. We are going to go see the girls and we are making one of Megan's favorite meals for dinner.

On a brighter note, Madison was a month old yesterday and we have to take her second bear photo today.

May you all have wonderful Mother's Days!

I miss you girls.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I am here. I have been journaling in a book and so I was not posting, but I am here. There are still days I wish I could just fall off the world and some days that I feel like I have. I have been told that 3 to 5 years of that is "normal", holy cow I hate that word.

There have been so many hurdles to get through this spring, we had to file Megan's taxes--who would have thought, but you have too, it was a very hard thing to do. The lawsuit with the trucking company has finally been settled, what a bunch of hooey.

Baseball has started up again. Megan loved baseball. I am so glad we took her to a real game. I still remember how excited she was. Jonathan is playing again and I go to the games, they even have memories for me since I took Kendall to every game with me last year.

I feel like the rollar coaster is coming full force now. Mother's Day is going to be a shocker, I keep thinking about last year when we talked about the fact that all of my children were parents. Megan was so excited that she was a mom. Then around the corner is Megan's birthday and then the most awful day of the year is looming. My support group is wonderful. They are here for me.

It seems like everything I do is connected somehow and although I seem to be getting through it more evenly, I just keep wondering when it will quit hitting me in the head sometimes full force, and sometimes with no warning. The counselor calls that an ambush, and says there is nothing you can do about it, just cry it out. The group I was attending had one discussion that said there may be days that you just decide to not get out of bed, I am afraid to do that because if I let myself do it once, I am not sure I would ever decide to get back up.

Family and friends keep me going, the occasional phone call or email that says "just thinking of you" helps so much. The fact that I have a few co-workers that are just there when I have tears in my eyes, I am so very blessed to have so very many people to care.

I love you girls.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Well lets see, I have not been doing so great at this or life. Got really bogged down in the holidays and then Kendall's birthday and other "firsts".
Kendall's birthday went well. We ordered a wonderful balloon bouquet and placed on their headstone, and Trisha made a giant cake cutout painted hot pink with "diamonds" and glitter and a #1 on top that we put there too. We had a picnic lunch and cake with the girls and Trek reminded us that we had to sing happy birthday. Megan's friends came as well as the family. My sister brought balloons for us to release. We wrote messages on them and then let them all go. It was beautiful and as the balloons rose two of them separated from the "pack" and flew up faster and to the side of the rest. I miss that baby girl.

Shannon's baby shower was the next weekend. It was a beautiful shower, but the memories from just a year ago were tough. What joy that new baby girl is already showering on our family. Each time I go to the store I find her some new clothes. She is already so very spoiled.

Jonathan's 1st grade program was this week. It was so cute, he played a little pig on old mcdonalds farm. The program was called ee-i-ee-i--oops.

As for me, or us, I am tired of feeling down. But then again, I think I would be upset if I was up? How wierd is that. I do make it through the day sometimes now without bawling, but not a minute goes by that I do not think of the girls. We are coming up on Easter and I remember last year, Megan was so excited to make Kendall's first easter basket and she dyed eggs with us. We shopped for her first easter dress and it was such a wonderful day. I am already asking myself how I am going to make it those days.

Thank God for friends. We are so blessed and so very thankful for all of our friends and family, close and far, who continue to call, write, email and visit us. Without understanding at all, and I pray they never have too, they continue to urge us to go on living in various ways. There is no way to tell everyone what they have done and still do for us. It is difficult at times to know what to say for them and for us, how much do you share?

We are going today to place spring flowers and Easter decorations at the cemetary. It was cleaning week at the cemetary so we had to remove all items for the week.

I love you girls.

Thursday, January 31, 2008


Well, as you can see I have not been on the computer in some time now. I have been trying to get around to writing here. I had more than 400 emails to look at when I finally signed on again. Yikes.

Started back to work and it was like starting all over again. I have also started grief counseling. I was skeptical, but it is really helping. It also lets me know that I am "normal". The first step I am told is acceptance and it can take up to a year. I feel better knowing that because there are some days that I know I have not accepted it, and wonder if I ever will.

One analogy I heard was it is like being under a pile of rocks and trying to climb out, I was feeling like I was making progress, but the last month it has been like the rocks fell back on me and I have to start over again. I have not wanted to write, talk or do anything else. The counselor said that I should plan ahead for days I know will be bad, so we are planning Kendall's first birthday. On February 13th she will be one. I am going to take a balloon bouquet to place on their headstone.

I am going to write more often, part of my "therapy" is to journal so this is as good a place as any. I had to define my comfort places, the places I go when things are bad, they are either sitting in the nursery in the rocking chair, or laying on Megan's bed. When I cannot handle life I can spend some time in these places and then I can face the world again.

Take care all.
I love you girls.