blessings

It took us many tries to get this photo, and it is still not perfect. But we had a blast trying. Imagine if you can 6 adults making faces, noise and shaking toys trying to get six kids, who either think photos are dumb or are more interested in getting candy, to look at the camera much less smile all at the same time. It is too funny.

Love you girls

Super Bowl Champs

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Jonathan's team went all the way and as of today they are the champions in their division! Congrats!



love you girls

Family Photos

For Mother's Day (yes I know it was in May) the kids gave me a coupon for a family photo shoot. Well finally we managed to get it done today! Here is a wonderful photo!

Ilove you girls

Silence

I have been struggling with how to put into words where I am now. I still hurt daily and I have the knowledge that no matter how much someone cares, they just cannot understand where I am and how I feel. And I pray that they never have to.
I received an email today called The Sounds Of Silence. It was written by some parents who lost their 22 year old son six years ago. If it has been six years for them, I guess I know that this is forever. I changed the names in his letter, but here it is.
The sounds of silence are everywhere—it is the silent pain of the loss of our daughter and granddaughter, it is the silence of our home because one of our children is gone, and it is the silence of the sudden quiet that comes over people when we mention Megan and Kendall.
We have become both better and worse in the two years since Megan and Kendall died. We are better because we are able to get on with our lives and even enjoy ourselves occasionally. We have gotten worse because, as the years go by, we feel their loss more deeply.
We feel their loss every time we participate in a celebration marking some milestone of our friends and relatives or their children. We feel the loss because any celebrations of our own will always be incomplete—two people will always be absent and not there to celebrate with us or to enjoy their own milestones. The pain of their absence is always present at these events.
When Megan and Kendall died, the pain of their loss was a sharp acute screaming pain that tore a hole inside of us. Now, the pain is a silent quiet steady pain. The hole is still inside us, covered by a scar, but it is still there. It only screams out loud sometimes now and more often just remains as a quiet steady and never-ending ache and sadness—a silent pain.
The silence of our home is a different kind of quiet. By now, if Megan and Kendall had lived, they may have been out on their own. We might have been “empty nesters” anyway. But, when a home becomes empty because of the death of a child, it is a different kind of empty nest. Trisha and Christopher are married and out on their own, the way it should be. But, Megan and Kendall are gone for a different reason.
So, the silence of our empty nest is not the silence of knowing we raised three children and now they are out leading their own lives. Instead it is the silence of a home that is empty because one child is gone forever—of having to deal with the reality that phone calls only come from two children, not three; that only two children stop by for a visit, not three; that one child is forever gone from the nest. There is a silence in our home that often seems to pervade every space. It is a sad silence, not the temporary quiet of a happy home.
And then, there is the silence of relatives and friends when we talk about Megan and Kendall—not about their death but about the things they did while alive. It is as if Megan and Kendall have become a forbidden topic because they died, as if their death wiped out the 22 years, or 4 months they did live. It occurs when a relative whispers that our daughter and granddaughter died when someone asked how they were—like their life and what happened to them was a big secret. It occurs when people suddenly get a funny look on their faces and don’t know what to say next when you mention something about Megan and Kendall. It occurs when you get the feeling that people want to avoid you because you remind them of a horror that could happen to anyone. It is a silence that reminds you that your emotions and feelings are different from that of others and that you will always have to live with the sounds of Silence resulting from your child’s death.

I miss you girls.

Well,I guess the beach updates got lost in the shuffle of life, but that is okay. We had a grand time and are already planning for next year. Here are couple of photos:

Man it is hot outside! Kinda makes you just want to stay indoors and veg out. We had Brent's b-day this weekend. Wade grilled trout and we had lots of food! It must have been good, because there wasn't really anything leftover. When we started lighting the candles on the cake, Tyler started singing happy birthday, so about the time he finished the song, the neighbor boy who was here just blew out the candles! LOL It was too funny, we had to light them again and sing for Brent to blow them out. ( You may of had to be here to understand how funny this was?)

I Love you Girls

I am home! Yea. I was in Dallas for 6 days and then Atlanta for 5 more. It feels good to be home. We learned some new strategies to use in the classroom and explored in the evenings. Dallas, well it is just Dallas. We did get some shopping in, stores that we don't have here at home and that was fun. We went to various restaurants, but did not really eat anything that was wonderful which was sort of disappointing, as we went to places like P.F. Chang's and pappadeaux, but the food was just so-so.

Our hotel was kind of cool. We stayed at the Hotel Lawrence in downtown Dallas. http://www.hotellawrencedallas.com/ It was built in 1925 and has been "restored" (lots of it is still old). The elevator (yes just one) was iffy, but staying on the 8th floor it was my friend as the stairwell was skinny and not air conditioned. The reviews for the most part are not good and most of them are true, the photos for the hotel are a bit misleading, so when you arrive you are a bit shell shocked. However, the shower was amazing. It has a shower head and the a shower bar that goes across the middle.

Next off to Atlanta. We stayed a the Hyatt Regency Peachtree,

http://atlantaregency.hyatt.com/hyatt/hotels/index.jsp

It was okay.....not that it was not nice, but not as "nice" as we expected it to be. And on top of that at the cheap hotels you get free Internet, not here! $12.95 a day. Yikes. So much for getting on the computer, so I have not checked my mail for a week. (still haven't, doing that next). Anyway in Atlanta we worked all day, but then we had dinner and we went to the attractions. The Atlanta Aquarium is worth your money, it would be an amazing place for kids, lots of hands on stuff, even touching animals in the water. http://www.georgiaaquarium.org/

Then there is the World of Coca Cola. That was a visit worth the money! http://www.worldofcoca-cola.com/ Besides regular museum stuff, they also have an interactive 4d movie and a tasting room with all 64 varieties of drinks they make around the world. ( I can not imagine tasting all 64 of them).

But of course there is the food. The food in Dallas was just okay, the food we had here was amazing. The first night was Benihanas, it was wonderful, we looked at each other and all said oh yea! good food. We also ate at Rays In The City. It is a seafood place and the fried green tomato's were fab! I had Parmesan crusted scallops with risotto. Yummy. If you are ever in Atlanta you should go. http://www.raysrestaurants.com/ We also ate at Mary Macs Tea Room. It is an out of the way local place that we learned about from our Taxi driver. It was one of those places that you are glad you discovered. http://www.marymacs.com/ It is great food, black eye peas, turnip greens, catfish, fried chicken etc. etc. etc. all made fresh.

More beach tomorrow........ ( I know I am slow).....

I love you girls.

In Memory

I cannot figure out how to make this larger, sorry. This is a copy of what will run in tomorrow's paper.
I love you girls.
It is still so hard for me to believe
that you are gone.

More Beach

We arrived on Saturday night, after 8 and we did not have the condo until the next day so we stayed at Days Inn. Which was an experience. Make yourself a note not to stay at the Days Inn in South Padre. Since it was past dinner time we walked down the street to The Big Donkey. Yes that really is the name of the Mexican restaurant we ate at. The calamari was nasty, but the grilled fish and shrimp was outta this world. yummy. We went back to the hotel and did not get much sleep what with the party in the next room, but that was okay after all we were on the island, right?

So Sunday morning we went with Christopher and family to Denny's, we did not even have to wait for a table. Tyler took a couple of photos of mom and dad and I took a couple of the kids. Breakfast was good.

It was only 9:30 in the morning now and check in for the house was not until 3pm. We needed to go into Port Isabel to get groceries so that was the plan, but first we headed to the beach to check out the house from the sand. Tyler and Madison had to have dry clothes after that stop. :) Here we are on the beach outside before we headed off to the store.

To be continued.....

I love you girls

The Beach!

We had a wonderful time at the beach. There is something about just sitting by the ocean that is so carefree. Of course I have photos! Only about 150 ....maybe more?? So you won't see them all here, but I will post many over the next few days.

This is Tyler, the first day we arrived, he could not wait to jump in. And Madison loved the beach. She would run into the water just up to her knees and then run out. I bet she ran in circles for an hour or more. It was too cute.

For Megan's birthday we had sandcastle lessons. It was too cool. We all made castles and people kept stopping to look at them. Then we released balloons with messages. We all went out to dinner and had a great time. Our waiter was a goofy "dude". As in he was kinda outta here. But the food was good. Here are a couple of castle photos:

More later...

I Love You Girls

We are making beach plans! The kids are excited! I bought the helium tank today so we can release balloons on the beach for Megan's birthday. We have plans to take sand castle lessons that day and then have a dinner out. Here are some photos from last year at the beach. I love the beach.

I Love you Girls

We are the Champions!

My grandson and his baseball team are the champions! Woo Hoo. After a hard fought final game they won the 1st place trophy for the mid-cities season. We had so very much fun!

Oh and the Mother's Day gifts! I had each of the kids make a garden stone for their moms. We took photos as they did them and put them in frames to go along with the stones. They were a hit. The boys were so very excited to give their mom a handmade gift. I guess I am going to have to start thinking about next year. We did manage to get a Madison print, oops but no photo since it took both of us to hold her. Here are the photos:

What is funny is that the night before we went over to Christopher's house and Tyler took me by the hand and said come see Nana, and he showed me a handprint stone he and Madison had made, and he said it's for you. :) Guess he didn't get the surprise thing huh?

I love you girls.

It has been 101 weeks. 707 days.......sounds like a long time. Some days it feels like yesterday I was holding Kendall and talking to Megan, I still miss them so very much. Yet look at how much has happened in those 707 days. We have welcomed two new little girls into our immediate family. Madison Renay and Megan Lea. (Megan would have been so very excited to have two little nieces! ) We have celebrated birthdays and holidays, planted trees, got a new roof and helped Christopher and Shannon move into a new home. I have changed jobs and we have new vehicles.

Wade's cousin had her baby a few days ago. She is a beautiful little girl. Her grandma is so very excited! About time she got to be grandma and she is also going to be one again this fall! How exciting! And another baby coming along in our lives, Megan's friend Tonia came by last night. She had her sonogram yesterday and it is a girl! She is so very excited. Babies are so wonderful, such a miracle gift from God.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. What a wonderful day to be able to celebrate. We helped the boys make gifts for their moms! How much fun we had. I will post the photos later, just in case the mom's peek at this before tomorrow.
If you are a parent you will realize that you keep time in your head by your children. What I mean is that you will remember when something was because you know it happened when Christopher was seven or just after Trisha was born or we moved when Megan was two. My time has now been altered.

I Love you girls.

too cute

We had a wonderful Easter weekend. We dyed Easter Eggs, Trek asked " When are we gonna kill the eggs?" I was wondering until I realized that we were going to "dye" them. (guess he puts kill and die together) LOL

Trisha said maybe it was because we were going to "hunt" them and he realizes when you go hunting you "kill" something. :)

Madison turned one over the weekend and she is just too cute. She discovered chocolate foil eggs in the boy's Easter baskets and proceded to help herself, until Christopher discovered her.

I Love you Girls

I have sort of gotten away from posting my feelings and day to day trials. I am so worried about making others feel down that I dont' want to post the sadness. AND I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to get it out sometimes. When someone tells me they don't know what to say, that is enough. Just to know that I have people that will let me lean on them when I need too. I have met parents on this journey that are far down the road and they say it does not go away, I will always grieve and it will never be fair. Some of them have lost siblings or spouses and parents, and they say there is no grief like that of losing a child and that I don't have to feel guilty about having bad days.

I still have times that I bawl outloud because I miss the girls. Things still catch me off guard and make me catch my breath. One of those is this new song. The first time we heard it was when we were going to the cemetary, as we entered the gate this song came on the radio, we both just sat there not moving. What timing. (Sissy's Song) I have it here on the blog.

I do know how much I have to be thankful for, but some days are just too much.
I love you girls.

My Grandchildren

Spring is here. Today is the first day of spring. The weather this week has been awesome. We have been outside everyday. Wednesday on date night the kids played outside most of the evening. They usually have a great time together. This week they were racing the truck and the jeep and all of us adults sat on the patio and just enjoyed it.


Jonathan is becoming quite the little man. He is so thoughtful and caring for his younger siblings. Trek has discovered he loves Super Nintendo. Yes that is an older game system, but I got it out and hooked it up and he loves it. I can't believe he is almost 6! Caden has become "older" just recently, I was watching him "write" with a pencil instead of just scribbling, oh my! Miss Megan is just a doll, she loves to be held by all and is content to just sleep in your arms. Tyler is 4 now, oh dear, he loves anything with wheels, but especially trains and his new found love is Lego's. Madison is becoming a little girl, she is taking steps and knows exactly what she wants, when she wants it.


They all are so very special in their own ways. I was just sitting there the other night looking out at the yard and felt so warm and wonderful to see my children and their children smiling.


I got the girls their first Barbie's the other day, I need to get all the ones out of the attic so they can play. I also plan to get Megan's doll cradle down for them to play with.


Megan Lea
Madison 11 months


The boys :)
Tyler is four


I love you girls

Madison's Bear photos

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Today is Kendall's birthday

Today Kendall would be Two! I should be decorating a cake and helping with party plans. I have tried to stay busy this week, but somehow I still am in a funk. It seems like it is constantly in the front of my mind. I realize that this is how it is, but I wish I could just turn it off for a while. It is so mentally exhausting to feel so sad. I guess it is a sign that I am starting to accept and learn to live that I don't want to be so sad, but I am not really sure it will ever go away.

There are so very many things going on right now that I have plenty to keep myself busy, or you would think. Lots of news. Of course Megan Lea is here, she arrived on January 26. It was sort of an "emergency cesarean" not in the sense that it happened in the emergency room, but Trisha went in to the office and they said we are doing this now. She called about 3 and they put her in a bed and at 5 they were heading to the operation room so it was fast and furious. Megan arrived at 36 weeks weighing 6 lbs 7 oz and 19 inches long. She is so pretty! She had a little trouble with her breathing at first, but she is fine. The boys love having a little sister.

My son and his wife are buying a new house. It is awesome! They are going to be painting this weekend and then have carpet laid before they move in. Talk about a lot to do. They are going to be working hard!

Happy Birthday Kendall!

I love you girls.

Finally

I know I have not posted in more than a month. It has been 19 months and I still miss my girls everyday. Kendall would be a darling little girl now and would be talking and walking and I am sure have the cutest personality possible. Megan would be so very excited and dressing her in all the latest styles. New Years was tough, I kept thinking how much Megan would have loved going out as a 21 year old. I found some bling for their flowers and Happy New Year stars.

We began our Compassionate Friends Chapter. We have had two official meetings now. If you are not familiar with Compassionate Friends, they have a website (just google it).

The wonderful news is that they are going to be installing a traffic light at the intersection where the girls were killed. There are so very many accidents there.

Trisha is due any day now. We are all anxiously awaiting Megan Lea's arrival.
Hugs to you all.

I love you girls.