Madison's Bear photos

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Today is Kendall's birthday

Today Kendall would be Two! I should be decorating a cake and helping with party plans. I have tried to stay busy this week, but somehow I still am in a funk. It seems like it is constantly in the front of my mind. I realize that this is how it is, but I wish I could just turn it off for a while. It is so mentally exhausting to feel so sad. I guess it is a sign that I am starting to accept and learn to live that I don't want to be so sad, but I am not really sure it will ever go away.

There are so very many things going on right now that I have plenty to keep myself busy, or you would think. Lots of news. Of course Megan Lea is here, she arrived on January 26. It was sort of an "emergency cesarean" not in the sense that it happened in the emergency room, but Trisha went in to the office and they said we are doing this now. She called about 3 and they put her in a bed and at 5 they were heading to the operation room so it was fast and furious. Megan arrived at 36 weeks weighing 6 lbs 7 oz and 19 inches long. She is so pretty! She had a little trouble with her breathing at first, but she is fine. The boys love having a little sister.

My son and his wife are buying a new house. It is awesome! They are going to be painting this weekend and then have carpet laid before they move in. Talk about a lot to do. They are going to be working hard!

Happy Birthday Kendall!

I love you girls.

Finally

I know I have not posted in more than a month. It has been 19 months and I still miss my girls everyday. Kendall would be a darling little girl now and would be talking and walking and I am sure have the cutest personality possible. Megan would be so very excited and dressing her in all the latest styles. New Years was tough, I kept thinking how much Megan would have loved going out as a 21 year old. I found some bling for their flowers and Happy New Year stars.

We began our Compassionate Friends Chapter. We have had two official meetings now. If you are not familiar with Compassionate Friends, they have a website (just google it).

The wonderful news is that they are going to be installing a traffic light at the intersection where the girls were killed. There are so very many accidents there.

Trisha is due any day now. We are all anxiously awaiting Megan Lea's arrival.
Hugs to you all.

I love you girls.

Thanksgiving turned out to be a beautiful day. We took family photos as always. Remember last year we took them in the snow! How fun that was. We enjoyed the day and remembered the girls. In the photo you see some of our many blessings.

Trisha's baby shower was last weekend. It was lovely. How wonderful that we have that new baby girl to look forward to.

We had the first meeting of our compassionate friends chapter. Our charter was approved and we are getting organized. This weekend is the Memorial Candle Lighting. As one dad told me, you never want to be a member, but it is wonderful that we have others to talk to.

I am working really hard on finding that happy place. The hole in my life has been very prominent in the past weeks. I am told this is "normal" for the stage that I am in. I really do not like the word "normal" anymore.

I love you girls.

Sarah came to see me! Megan's friend Sarah was in town for her birthday and she called me up and we went to lunch. Oh my it was wonderful. I so enjoyed visiting with her and catching up. We are hoping we can see each other again over the holidays. College is going well for her and she looks wonderful. She made my week!

I cleaned Kendall's room yesterday. Things you don't think of, I did her laundry, it was still in the hamper (nothing gross).....dusted her room......

Today the plan was to clean Megan's room, it is so dusty in there, but I keep finding "other" things to do instead.....I know I should do her laundry too.......

Tomorrow I am going to bake---I missed that last year.

I love you girls

I added music! Yea for me. Learned something new.

The holidays are coming--working on that.

Went with Trisha to register for Megan Lea's baby shower. We had a good time. Can't wait till that baby girl gets here.

Madison is crawling! She is too cute. The boys all love her.

Hugs to everyone.

I love you girls.

And the holidays are coming around again. Last year I think I just survived them, this year I am going to have to actually live through them. The numb is gone and I have to feel again. I really don't want to.

Some things I have been learning:

I will have emotional highs, lows, ups and downs. I wish everyone would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I should be committed.

I wish everyone would not expect my grief to be over. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but will forevermore be a "recovering bereaved parent".

I wish everyone was not afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived, was important and I need to hear her name.

I wish that if I cry or get emotional you would know that it is not because you have hurt me, the fact that my child died caused the tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you.

My Blessings:

I love you girls.